lost in bermuda

lost in Bermuda

I'm currently clueless of where I want to be, ive lost all directions ive worked hard on these past few months. Honestly, I don’t even know where I am anymore. Living the moment doesn’t apply either. I'm heavily sedated. I feel untouchable, and not the good kind of that. Even a good morning smile doesn’t seem true anymore. I just feel disgusted of my everything, my body, soul and even my thoughts. Am I weighing myself against a heavy score?

I lost all the answers to all the questions I prepared in my head, just incase if someone asks. Natha, I got nothing anymore. And surprisingly enough, it doesn’t feel good having nothing. It could be the future just got foggier. – who the fuck knows! Right?!

One thing hadn’t rested in my mind though. Its marriage. I used to be so picky choosing someone perfect enough for my children to call a mother. For some reason, I don’t mind anyone at the moment. – this could show lack of self security. But this isn’t my concern now. I want to get married cos I just want to fuck.

Lost and confused again. When will I ever grow up and just not give a damn!

WHAT IS ETERNAL ( BEETHOVEN )

AND HERE IN THE NIGHT
AS I FEEL THE INFERNO
I STARE IN THE DARK
THINKING WHAT IS ETERNAL

THE MAN OR THE MOMENT
THE ACT OR THE REASON
THESE THOUGHTS FILL MY HEAD
AS I CONTEMPLATE TREASON

OF DREAMS I HAVE HAD
AND DREAMS I HAVE PONDERED
WHEN LATE IN THE NIGHT
MY MIND IT WOULD WANDER

TO THINGS I HAVE DONE
AND THEN QUICKLY REGRETTED
WHILE DENYING VICES
MY LIFE HAD SELECTED

AND I THINK WHAT I'VE DONE
OR HAVE YET TO BEGIN
AND THE MAN I'VE BECOME
AND THE MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CAUGHT IN A WALTZ
WITH THE ETERNAL DANCER
I'M COURTED BY DEATH
BUT DEATH ISN'T THE ANSWER
I SAY

ALL I WAS
MEANT TO BE
COULD I
SUDDENLY
JUST DECIDE
NOT A THOUGHT
WOULD SURVIVE
COULD IT BE
MY LIFE'S WORTH
ENDED THERE
WITH MY BIRTH

IF I COULD SEE SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN THERE BEFORE ME
AND TRADED HIS SOUL
FOR A MOMENT OF GLORY

HIS PENANCE OR MERCY
BY SPIRITS DEBATED
WHILE JUDGED ON A SCALE
THAT'S BEEN HEAVILY WEIGHTED

AND WHAT HAVE I DONE
COULD THERE BE SUCH A SIN
IN THIS MAN I'VE BECOME
IN THIS MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CALLING TO GOD
FROM THE PIT'S VERY BOTTOM
I PRAY HE FORGIVES
EVERY SIN I'VE FORGOTTEN
THIS DAY

AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT MY FATE IT WOULD CONJURE
THIS TWIST IN THE ROAD
ON WHICH I HAVE WANDERED

EACH VISION AND DREAM NOW
COMPLETELY DISMEMBERED
TO GIVE ONE'S WHOLE LIFE
AND FIND NOTHING'S
REMEMBERED

AND WHAT GOOD IS A LIFE
THAT LEAVES NOTHING BEHIND
NOT A THOUGHT OR A DREAM
THAT MIGHT ECHO IN TIME

THE YEARS AND THE HOURS
THE SECONDS AND MINUTES
AND EVERYTHING THAT
MY LIFE HAS PLACED IN IT
BETRAYED
BETRAYED
BETRAYED

THE THINGS I HAVE DONE
THE PLACES I'VE BEEN
THE COST OF MY DREAMS
THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS

AND EVERYTHING THAT
I'VE GATHERED IN LIFE
COULD IT BE LOST
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
NIGHT



Crushed by the dilemma he finds himself in and unable to reach a decision, Beethoven tries to recall the particular actions in his life that have led to his damnation. In anger, he confronts Fate for having dealt him such a cruel hand in life. Taken aback by his accusations, she offers to review his life with him and to change anything that he wishes to change.

Delighted with this unexpected proposition, Beethoven accepts. When she asks where he would like to start, Beethoven says the first thing he would change is his childhood. Fate takes him back through time where he finds himself as a young child sitting at a piano. He has just been cruelly slapped by a tutor for having failed to receive an appointment to the emperor's court. His tutor is trying to create a new child wonder, similar to Mozart, but unlike Mozart, Beethoven is an awkward and gangly youth. Now, sitting alone at the piano, he is trying to console himself by playing a melody that he finds soothing. Beethoven recognizes the melody as the future Sixth Symphony and sitting down next to the child completes the tune. The child smiles at this kindly adult and after they talk for awhile, asks if they might meet again and finish the song. Beethoven reassures the child that one day that just might possibly happen.

940 AM

Long have I thought that maybe one day I’ll learn to forget. Or the pain would be any less. I try and occupy myself with anything, anything at all. It does work.. momentarily I guess. But then as I break the tension and go for the coffee room.. it just all comes back to me in a flush. Yet, the pain of loss isn’t great at the moment. It gets worse when I light up my cigarette and start sipping the hot coffee.

Sometimes I talk to myself, in a low tone of voice. I like to hear myself speaking to you. It calms me down when I start to imagine you listening. I know how much you liked my “hayel” accent. Sometimes the words I speak are random and other times they’re just a pathetic word rhyming that make no sense even as they’re coming out.

The truth is, I never got over you no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps there still is a little part of me that cant believe you’ve gone, perhaps I’m just too afraid to move on. But one thing I am sure of. I wont ever find another you.