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Saturday, February 17, 2007

Sade' ... 1 of 8 (Why?)

PS: the characters here are completely from my head. if u think you know who i am talking about, well sorry to burst ur bubble this soon.. but please do enjoy the read

Taking a side if it were right or wrong,
I usually never say I am sorry for what I had done.
I've lived knowing a single word cant undo a thing so strong
I work for my apology and now this epic has begun.

I understand the way you read, how slowly you walk throughout the words. Though you've never actually understood a hidden detail. So here, I wont hide you secret words or meanings, I'll speak bluntly.. I'll try to make it as the lyrics you understand the most.
Believe me I take no pleasure putting this effort in here.

I'll begin from the start to make you understand my epic of destroying you.

Slowly.... begin to read

Now, I do not hate you, nor do I repulse the thought that you are alive. I think I feel numb towards you.
Ever since you came into my life there was something I knew I had to be afraid of. Its not that ur a bad person, but sometimes you do stuff that put a flag on you. But before we began walking together down the road of love and affection, I told you the only thing I ask of someone i bring close to my heart, that is to be honest with me. Give me closure as it ends. And when the waves of emotions and vast seas of love become dead. Tell me and don’t pull me down the stream where nothing runs there anymore but me, being pulled over pebbles of rock and stone that scratch my back to bleed. – and I told you that cos I usually revenge myself when I feel impaired. But you didn’t care, or were too afraid..
go on, read more, u'll see where I stand

I never did like someone to fool me with anything. No matter how small it was. I told you we had two strikes as we began and the third would harm you so bad. Even if you started cheating or deceiving, be honest and it wont be a "strike three". Though it would hurt for a while, but honesty would wipe it all away. –you deceived me for over a moth. And it was time to strike back.

I'd still like to believe something about us was true.

There was a point in my life when I believed you. I don’t know how you did that, but it happened that I trusted you. I told you everything I there was about me. All the good and bad, I even told you how noura and I got together. That’s how much I trusted you. I even hated R for the love of you. I took noura's book back from her, when now I really try to understand why I did what I did. – you do remember that I even comforted you by telling you that you wont feel jealousy nor envy towards her after ur meet. But what you answered me back with, Was it true? – I guess I'll never know

I kept pulling back away from you and you kept pulling me back in. why? Did you really feel anything? You see now, I cant tell lies from truthful facts anymore. Its been imprinted in my head that you don’t even stop to think for a lie, its more of a habbit that you've masterd so well, you forgot what is true in you anymroe. and now, niether do I.
I didn’t like "BottleHead", cos she lied more than once. And it wasn’t because our meet the other day, but was on that same very night.. she lied and I cant bare a lying person in my life. – you do remember how I hated her guts and still do.

Enough of these thoughts rambling in my head, let me tell you what really made me want you to never smile a day in your life again.

I specifically asked you to tell me when the joke was over. You didn’t.I knew since this year began we were over. I gave you, on my count, five chances to come clean, but you never did.

I've always been one step ahead of you.. allow me to demonstrate

41 days from clash:
When you first vanished on new years and scratched my name off ur title. I knew by then all you had to do is come and tell me "we're done", for the love i had for you, I wanted to give you the chance to walk away without a diss.. but you insisted on playing around.

38 days from clash:
Remember the post where I apologized for intervening "changing ur plans in life" then stated that we both knew we were on a short run?
That’s why when you asked me to remove it from the post I never did. I was just waiting for your guts to speak it. But you insisted on telling me you smelled my scent on your pillows everyday, when actually you were back with a Mondo.

33 days from clash:
Remember that text i sent when dyke's mum, came late at night and you had your phone off till three in the am. I said in it, "even if it were betrayals, I don’t mind, just include me in ur life."
I added the word betrayal but you never commented on it. I knew it was true for a fact by then. I sat and shut up to see what would come next.

18 days from clash:
Remember when I told you about my sister and her honesty? I said I didnt care how bad you were, just be honest with me.
I made the "beating her up" bit for you to come out of ur closet. I knew you had mondo back, I just needed you to tell me about it.

3 days from clash:
Remember when I text you on lunch time "She promised I would be her only one. She promised to never stop thinking of me. She she'd keep her video cam up for me to watch her sleep. I am not that person she kept her promises to."
I added the webcam part three days before I found out for real, and it wasn’t me whom you kept ur promises to, confession came to hand.. again steps ahead of you

One day from clash:
Remember when I asked you " are we or are we not"? U insisted me on being next to you by telling me "YES WE ARE".. and that you wanted me to fix you and called me a jerk for walking away… that’s when I decided it was ur final draw.

The point is, you had too many chances to come clean, but insisted on me destroying you.. and well here I am. I told you I'd wipe the smile off you forever didn’t i? well we'll have to wait and see.

Yeah I forgot one. Remember when I told you if you step on me I bite back. That was when you went on ur first hoodeny.. count your steps and scale my bites

They've always said "it only gets worse before things get better.."
The worse is almost over now. Come by in a couple of days, and I promise bring back a smile to you..




Now I'll take off the devils costume for the rest of the post. I've hurt one person before and I know its not so self soothing like everyone would imagine.

Go back in time, draw urself a smile sheneequa ..

Try and remember the first time we met.. take a deep breath and feel my hands run on your cheeks, my thumbs feel your eyebrows and my eyes smile speaking "I love you" locked at yours.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

a battle resides in me

Fillers of emptiness, avengers of love and all emotions that fuck me up… gather around me tonight..

Promises you never could keep, not to me nor yourself. haven’t I always told you to never give a promise even if you could keep? But you insisted on wrapping yourself with them. I never asked you to webcam me when you go to sleep, but you promised you would. I never asked you for words you didn’t mean, but you've always found a way to make me believe.

I've known since this year began.. that there was a flag of us growing apart. Remember when I refused to take that word off of you? I've known from the start it was too good to be true. Cos a person like you, never did exist on my plans of life.

I warned you I bit.. hard...
But you insisted on making me spit...blood

That night, that awful night I was in your room. Watching your every move. Listening to your every breath, and analyzing your every moan. On cam and phone. I was there with you that night. I heard everything you had to say, every fake orgasm you gave away.
He told you to look behind ur naked body.

that guy I wanted to kill saw me in the room behind you. He pointed from your monitor "behind you" to where I stood. You were frightened you were scared. A presence that could never be real. "Leo?! How are you here?" I never did come on my own, nor did i want anything to do more with you. the demons and devils surrounding you summoned me that night, they needed permission to bring you down.

I never stopped you from your evil plans, I always sat and watched you play your body, cheep and disgustingly to men who didn’t care. I had my legs crossed as I sat on a black leather chair. My hands were praying for this not be real. You closed your cam, put your clothes back on, and told me with a voice that spoke fright "none of that was real" its for you leo, I needed to understand how I feel.

"STOP AND DON’T LIE TO ME" I've always known something in you was so wrong. I am not here to punish nor make you feel worse, I just want to understand why was it me you chose. "But I love you leo." I banged my cane to the ground, an echo of freighting thunder came to sound.

A hundred demons were summoned by that one stroke to the floor. You feel their presence don’t you sade'? I uncover your eyes with what god has given you to protect your fears...but now, open up and see the demons waiting for my command. "Lord, let me sow fear into her heart. horror that would make her hair go into grey" another shouts " No lord, let me have the honor to shred her a thousand pieces apart... and fill each with blazes of fire fumed for all of eternity" SILENCE I SAY.

Look behind you sade'. Don’t be a afraid, this is the guardian of death, waiting for a snap of my fingers for him to command. "have mercy leo, I'm filled with imperfection, but don’t do me like this" -you don’t understand do you? I am not here to kill or fill you with horror, you are sick, and will be your cure. But what made you this way? Mondo? Fedo? Hadeel, or could it be 3jeel? You cant live life treating every man you meet like he were a nayef.

We aren’t all like that, we don’t cheat, we don’t break a girl for our own pride. "but the demons leo, why are they here?" they've all warned me about you from the start, I've been a fool blinded by you. And now it hurts to know you didn’t have the guts to come true. Here they are waiting to revenge me, they want to ease my pain. But no! I wont let them act on my rage, I've been there before, it only leaves me blank.. and little trails of hatred I cant never bare. One way or another I'll fix you. I promised I would. –if only u could remember

And like I promised I wont leave love for me in your heart again, I promise I will bring myself back to the start. But only this time, I'll remove the blinds off my eyes, for now I see you truthfully, naked with nothing to hide.. truth you couldn't even say to me… only me could cure

Saturday, February 03, 2007

beauty killed the beast Ch3

And so the story begins…

You went crazy when I told you about the article piece remember? Man, those were the good old days. I aint complaining here, I’m just reminiscing bout days of gold from a platinum point of view.

I do remember I wrote about love, I wrote about affection I wrote of feelings that could only explode from a volcanic eruption. I wrote of beautiful devotions, breathtaking emotions and everything you inspired me with. I made the whole world fall in love a thousand times with you, I let them see you with my eyes that loved every move you made, I let them hear every breath you took, not just that, I even got emails telling me that some could almost smell the scent of you. To that point of detail I’ve gone insane for you.

So our little bits and pieces of our lives made the smile find its home on our faces. Ten articles later, people started writing my uncle, that they ask for the newspaper published here. From then on I wasn’t published just here in the eastern province anymore, good ol’ uncle of mine got me published all around Saudi. A year after that, my little bits and pieces of you went international, and my uncle’s originally politician newspaper gave birth to new two last pages under the name “life as you know it”. back then I was in charge of a little group that publish on those last pages. We were like a family, even they wanted sneak peeks of what's coming next in the lives of you and I.

We grew closer to one other that year, remember? My uncle was pretty happy our lives crossed their paths. And the readers were even more happier that we spoke about it. Of course there were some dead days in our lives, but we worked them out. I do remember articles like “the panther in my arms” “stars twinkle tonight”, god!! there’s just too many to write down here. There was this once published piece that kinda made the readers want to strangle me in my apartment and make it look like an attempt of suicide. I was writing about a safari trip you and I had, fictional of course, but hey, it was a dead month for us, you had your finals remember? Anyhoo, We were walking through some Indian jungles, and it was pouring rain that night, it was like the sea had broken from the skies. And somehow we found shelter in a cave somewhere, and didn’t realize it was already taken by the natives. We ran inside trying to scare the monsters away, but who were we kidding, right?! And then I fell in some sort of puddle that swallowed me in, but I just couldn’t leave you behind. It was dark inside that cave and you flashed your beaming lights towards the opening face of the puddle so I could find my way back to you. I ended the article somewhere right there. But what busted the readers was that I didn’t speak of how we got out and found the airport, well I wasn’t detailed enough. I tried to explain that I wanted to speak of something real that is happening in our life, that’s why I had to end that safari post. So then I had to make them a re-cast of the safari. I remember getting loads of hate mail saying that I’ve lost my talent, but I promised that the next reads would be even more exotic.

Every beginning always has its special taste you know, you could almost remember how the morning smelled on days like that, even though its been lifetimes since that epic.


“We should celebrate” I told you. “why?” “excuse me?, what do you mean why?.. its not for the newspaper, its not for the articles, and not for the fans” I said. Now you start to remember other reasons for celebration, I could see a smile starting to grow on your face now. “Yeah that’s right, keep thinking”. You laughed cos you had no idea what to think, though you did just have a failing attempt of looking sincere. “C’mon, lets go” I hold your hand and take you to a restaurant that’s fancy as it still is casual the way you always liked. You loved it there, remember? “I love that its filled with people, but still I feel alone with you” you spoke. “ hey hey hey, don’t twist and turn, fives years back on a day like this, your car crashed on the road behind the sea” I said. “oh right, No wonder I have this little box for you” “damn it, you remembered? Why do you like toying with me? Sometimes I think you could read my mind” I said with a smile and held your hand closer to my face and told you that I had something really important to say …

As we dug in the dishes on our table, you steal a look at me and smile as if I’m doing something funny. So I humor you, I pulled my tongue out and shaped it like a flower, crossed my eyes, and asked for a kiss with a retarded way of speech. You pulled back on your chair and laughed so loud I could still hear it spanning time circles as it never died. But I also remember you biting your lower lip and stopped your giggles instantly, opened your eyes wider signaling me to stop. “What?” “the outside” I take a lean outside the fence, he looked in agony, he seemed like he’d forgotten how to laugh or smile. The looks on his face asked for a reason why people still laugh. Its like he couldn’t find any explanation for happiness. “poor kid.. Waiter.. we’ll have this and that to go please and bring us the bill please” you’re such an angel, no matter what, you always flap those angel wings of yours and spread love to those around you. “what was it that you had so important to tell me?” you asked “What? Man you broke my chain of thoughts, I was just thinking of preparing an article in my mind stating how angelically divine you are when you flap your wings for others.. what important thing?” “before the waiter came in with the food, you were going to say something” “see I told you we should get one of those palm tops.. I forgot really”
The waiter comes in with the bill and the bag, we paid and got out of there to look for the child. “how could a kid like that wind up in a place like this?” I asked. “we’ll you’re the reporter, unleash your hound-dogs to sniff and find out” “hey, that’s my little family you’re trying to diss, to think you were and angel, tsk tsk”

There was something about that boy that wouldn’t let me sleep at night. He had ragged cloths on, though his face looked like he was recently put into a situation like that. What could’ve been his background story I wondered. A phone call interrupts my thoughts. “hey remember that girl from the “sunset beach”? She just called and I think we’re on!”
God no! not again. We were always so close, but never lovers. I knew everything about you and yet you knew so little. This girl you spoke about was the waiter that dressed casually and always smiled to where you sat. you even made me go talk to her once after hours of admiration you agonized me with. The food was uneatable and still you always ordered from there. The coffee always had something from its taste missing, and yet that never stopped you from asking her not to forget the fudge you thought she made so good. Nothing there was fit for a dine, not even a cool morning breeze would make their horrible taste of food and service give you a smile. Yes I’m a girl too, but this isn’t being jealous of someone new, its only because you always picked the wrong people at the wrong times. Its enough for now, been five years now patting your shoulder from Noura’s downfall, and still you always found an affair that you thought will mend your heart, and I couldn’t take anymore of your none sense, your answer was always right there staring you back in the eyes. I started writing my next piece for the newspaper, it was a poem called “this is your revolution” it was mine directed to you for all the world to hear.
This is your Revolution.

There aren’t enough minutes in one hour or enough hours in one day. I’ve put in a request for more days in one week, more weeks in one month. And yet, time is on your side.

You’ll get over her you said. Love dies eventually. It always does, you said. We used to argue over this, remember? But I won the debate as I always did with you: love never dies. Always lingering on in the forgotten shadows of your mind collecting dust. Discarded, put aside, until you choose to think about it again.

My heart wrenches for you.

You were always easy to read. I knew you like a book I’ve read and reread, over and over again and yet I always ended up picking up the shards of your broken love affairs. Pieces I knew you’d leave behind. But then what are friends for?

We were growing up together but we were always slowly growing apart. We were never lovers and yet I knew your moves and the muscles on your body as if they were for my eyes only. Just like you knew my body, the exact number of freckles on my shoulders and the hidden moles you called 'beauty spots' which no lover of mine ever noticed.

That night, I saw the pain displayed on your face. The same pain I’ve seen many times before. I heard the ache in your voice; dull and heartbreaking. Even in the dark, the moon was our sun and the hurt was laid out for me; leftovers of your torrid love sessions.
Missing pieces of a sorely broken heart.

You’ve never been one to hide. Don’t start now. It doesn’t become you.

You’re always asking for my opinion but don’t listen when I speak. It’s always been in your habit to do such things to me. Jokingly, I promised you’d end up losing me. And yet underneath that joke and the laughs it fired up, we both knew it was true.

You took me for granted always saying tomorrow. Tomorrow will come. And it did. But the undress me eyes I once had for you are now locked away, locked away for someone else. And the colours of the rainbow you’ve walked are now grey to me. Your feathers are now frayed and the love I had for you tucked away; in a place I don’t want to see anymore.

What shape of insanity kept bringing me back to you I will never know. But at the end of the hollow tunnels of these eyes I now have for you, a small fire still burns. Protected by whatever friendship we have left between us.

Let me pull you from behind the shadows of the sun. Let me light the lamp over your head. Put your hand in mine and let me take you to the door you’ve faced so many times but were too afraid to try and open. Let me show you the road you wanted to take but never did. Listen to what I have to tell you, consider it.

Until you do, you’re sitting in purgatory’s waiting room.

That flame caged in your heart, it still burns. It will always burn. But give it time. Let it grow… I kissed your cheek as a mother would kiss her child and showed you the door, beautiful, tall and strong. One million miles fueled by a single kiss...This, is your revolution. A road which you'll have to take on your own. Stop running from it and start running to it.

I'm not coming with you, not this time. But I will always be here for you as I always have been in the past. And if you decide you don’t need me anymore, then know that I don’t exist. Never did, never will and that is a promise you know I'll keep.


*Witchblade inspired. Micheal Turner influenced. I drew the above picture a while ago but had to take a picture of it because it was too large to scan.
POSTED BY SAR AT Saturday, June 18, 2005


Leo here: This post I used Sara’s little story tell, its hers and has nothing to do with me, but we agreed if I were to use anything of hers I wouldn’t tamper it, and state her contact info.
So please don’t mix up her brilliancy with my insipidness.
Sara’s email is Silvershake@yahoo.com, give her a kiss for me willya.