Angelic Heart,
Think about today, but just don’t forget that you live it simply because you survived yesterday. Now this isn’t just another brain fart, no not at all. This is a fact you chose to believe or just dismiss... really its all up to you…
So I’ve been crushed by life and I do believe for a very long time I’ve lived in a time zone I call a “plastic era”. It’s when reality and fantasy collide and clash into one another so deep till you don’t know what's real anymore. And for so long I’ve lived it in my head, but now that I found this dazzling girl that pulled out her hand to welcome me back into reality once again. But I, with panic and fear of being loved again refused her from my heart and shouted so loud deep in my brain, “you are not real… I cant, I just cant do it anymore” bit her brutally and bitterly last night, or at least when you read this it will be.
It all started with a childish act of love that I had no idea would flourish this huge and this beautiful in such short time. No idea at all. Sara, someone that you never met quite yet, told me she was pretty fond of me, and I liked being loved by her, well honestly I thought any love would do,, but no! hers was special. It had that flavor I so much longed for.
Sometimes its scary to fall back in love, especially when you have exhausted all your feelings for a person you sometimes don’t know if ever did exist. And I really don’t know if she did, though I do have rawan to tell me Noura was real,, she saw her and shook hands with her. I never did see Noura, well with my own eye.. I might not even recognize her if she were a nose distance away from my eye. But hell, She exhausted all my love for a very long time.
Sara comes in the picture about a month ago and offers me love, that same exact brother of the love I held on for so long to Noura. It scares me to believe she really does exist, sara I mean. Again, but how could this be so true, how could this be, I thought for very long my love for Noura was unique and undefeatable, but yet she sara proves me wrong. So if you do see and follow my story all the way you might come to a decent understanding…
We met, and she might be the only person I’ve met after a contact as an introduction. We went out and she expressed her love in the most bravura of ways. I saw it in her eyes, that love I’ve always looked and searched so hard for, though I dared not to stair into her eyes and shatter this expression of divine love she offers. She held my hand just like I wanted to be held by an angelic touch; she placed a gentile kiss on my messed up hairy face, and slapped my shoulder just like I fancied my lover to do so. She helped me feel she was not just another fictional story in my head, she showed me she was real. We left around nine that night… I felt so bad and really wanted to just drop and die… not that I hated or disliked, but rather I was scared, nothing but plain fear. Like I said we learn from yesterday, and yesterday wasn’t really a shine in love-land for me. So now as I see the mirrored image my love has I tend to believe that I’ve gone insane in a way and now I fight it. but come and tell me,, does the insane know he is going insane or does he believe that he lives in a more realistic life in his head he creates for him self. Could I have gone insane or just found an echo to my love…
That night,, as my feeling had worn out after two weeks of fighting this celestial love and passion.. I finally spoke…
I didn’t speak, but rather started a missile launch on her pink castle of love she welcomed me in. I was too afraid to fall back in love and even worse hurt her by love, or perhaps I was just selfish enough and only think of not wanting me to get hurt. I don’t know really, but I do like to believe I was protecting her from myself. She such a divine creation of god, how could I dare hurt such an angel of god’s creation on earth, this earth, just a few miles away from where I live. I told her this love could not be so real, and even worse might have a bitter ending, I don’t want to see you hurt specially by me, and spoke continually with this manner for over half an hour and she barely gave back a breath until I thought she left the phone and left me nagging to myself. But what I failed to relies is that I am hurting her now, and excused my self by telling her being hurt just in the start is allot less pain then the ending. However that may not always be true. Sometimes as a baby love is growing, any small slap could be its announcement of its end. I totally dismissed that fat and went on with my grunge for love. But she said something that woke me up. Decide what you want and then let me know. So true, I didn’t not know what I wanted, and that little word order of hers struck me like thunder in silence. What was I saying and what was I grumbling about, the girl does feel for me, and I just kick her back, am I an idiot or truly an insane person? What have I become to now?
We hung up and I did feel all this pain and sadness because of this war I’ve started on her, but even though, I did send her a message, an I didn’t want to rub it to her raw wounds, so I fell back. An hour later she was completely over it and gathered her strength and old me she had an obligation or engagement to attend to, and came to notify me not to beet myself up over her. She went and came back but hear this out, this time she only sent me a message telling she was falling asleep, usually we spoke even for a few minutes, but I guess she is stronger then what I took her for. And I’m happy for her, really I am. I just cant wait till tomorrow, I just wish she doesn’t hold a grudge against me the next morning.
bottom line, i fear to revenge my love thru her, and thats why i fear her loving me, or anyone for the matter..
a guy pretty messed up in the head!
posted on Sunday, July 30, 2006
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