Contemplating on contemplation…

Repulsion:
It’s a lost feeling of love or likening, maybe more, but for a fact its loss of attraction. It doesn’t mean it’s all gone and had wasted away, attraction is still there but it’s too small for it being noticed. Usually this feeling hits you when you’re on the verge of going insane for someone or something. It’s been said before, that being a genius is just a small push away from being insane. So there you have it, repulsion and attraction both revolve on the same “wheel of attraction” and both are so close to one another almost forming a circle of their own. But being able to just stay on the ultimately high and safe side of the attraction side of the wheel is harder then you imagine can be done. It’s a feeling uncontrolled by your mind though you try ever so hard convincing your self that you are in control while deep down in your mind you know none of this is true. It’s more like a plane soaring over clouds and a small turbulence in the air could blow you heading straight to the gravity sucking you down under.

It’s always when everything runs smoothly in your life you find the unexpected waiting for you to feel comfortable till it’s the perfict timing for it to smack right in the face. It’s like she, uncertainty, enjoys the surprised look on your face as she comes when you least expect it. She’s addicted to that flow of adrenalin you pump in the last minute to save your crashing plane from certain destruction. Though she’s mean sometimes but she isn’t a total bitch. She sometimes opens your eyes to some things you’ve been missing for so long and had no idea what exactly were they till then. See, she also helps you realize sometimes where you stand in life. How people see you, feel you, and understand you. But again, it might just be the adrenalin flow what turns her on and not the consequences that follow.

I for one believed for so long, and still do, that what ever comes barging in your life, no matter how bad or good it may be, it is there to teach you more about life. True you can’t live long enough to learn from mistakes, but sometimes you need to fall on your knee and budge it out of place to truly appreciate what life brings to you next.

Now on a more intense note;
You, as only being human sometimes find your self drifting with the flow of things around you. Intentionally or irrationally, you try to express your feelings and thoughts in a way of body language and actions sometimes, which only makes you think of today and nothing of what tomorrow has up its sleeve for you. Sometimes friendship, love-ship, brotherhood, childhood, what ever it maybe, you are in a course of a relationship, and this relationship sometimes demands its feelings, forces you into some twists and curves that could turn your life around.

Still you agree with me? Good. During this course of relationship sometimes you excuse your self into opening different doors of knowledge or experience for example. Things you never tried how they felt like before in your life and only heard so much about. Still I haven’t gotten to the part of right and wrong / good or bad just yet. But say when in love you offer more then you can sometimes, in terms of your brain, time, and heart. Friendship comes with a few demands too. But being in a relationship that never existed on any level of society here or there is just sick on its own. It’s your actions that define who you are, not your thoughts or how you feel about something or someone, actions classify where you stand among breathing creatures.

If I’m in love I might have sex, if we’re friends we’d make out, if we’re brothers we’d hug, but if I don’t know you and nothing blends us together in the same mix of some kind of relationship or livelihood, why should I take your number, why should I offer you more then a smile and a handshake, or even worse, why should I be spending my time and energy hanging around you when I know that everything about you disgusts me?

Yes love is blind, and sometimes it gets the best of us, but you feel it and I feel it too. This I’m talking about was nothing even close to a rational relationship, love, admiration, or even as small as attraction. That relation was more like fungus growing between your toes!

I don’t judge because I myself don’t like being judged not even by family or friends. What's done is done. No one living on this earth or any other planet has the right to judge me or you, if god only judges you when you’re dead, so what gives us the right to do so? But even though it’s neither a judgment nor a ruling, a scar is there, right beside your name. Now even though some excuses are more acceptable than others like “the heat of the moment” or “I was blinded by love” or “confusion got the best of me” which ultimately happens once or twice in the course of a relationship just for the “know how” of the new things introduced to us by our partner, but that’s it, after that rumble of feelings, that ache for experience, you know and are sure of how you carry on from there. But carrying on for over a year doing the same repulsive act over and over again when no true feelings were there from the start is just plain idiotic. Though they scar you for life but if there were feelings of love flourishing in the air, aroma of that sweet body you hugged and kissed so many times you know then deep inside of you that you won’t regret having that experience from that someone you trusted, liked, or loved so very much. Even sometimes if it were abusing your right as a lover, it’s all forgiven and forgotten as long as there was a feeling of pure sinless pleasure covering up all your doing under a pink coverlet called love!

I don’t know how to finish this post; I have too much to say and not enough words to translate my thoughts into sentences without hurting anymore. I guess I’ll finish it here.