My Crappy Life

Again

2009-10-28T12:35:00.002+03:00

Built with strength and pride, twenty seven years invested in stretching the achievement of the impossible. Such an immaculate triumph for the world to stand still at its feet. Behold! It stands arrogant no matter how much battery thrown to its walls. It stands still. People bawl and brag of what they've got made; yet that have no clue of what's boiling inside. Its broken, weak, years of decay had consumed its true glory. Silly custodians, have they no clue what makes this monarch so special? This hollowness, this defeat where it stands aloof should be the shame of their pride. It no longer exists to conceit; it waved that pride a long time ago. Blasphemy!!

Still I..

2009-10-20T13:15:00.005+03:00

I still search for your face between the crowds. I imagine your scent brushing against my face every time I miss a face that passes me. I miss you more by the coffee vapor dancing under the morning sunrays bashing through my windows. I've missed everything you've given me and those that you still have not given .. I have them here close to me. I can not say that I've forgotten how to be loved. I long for it more everyday. I haven’t seen enough of you yet. Where could you be now? Do you still live there or have you moved out of the country. I pass your house whenever I am lost driving on the streets and have no place to go. Sometimes I cheer myself with a McDonald's meal as my eyes stare at your window. I still haven’t forgotten. No I haven’t.

This euphoria I feel when I think of how much time had passed and how much now I have to say; it becomes real when I can almost imagine myself speak to you.

Are you real?

A letter to my copycat

2009-06-06T05:16:00.002+03:00

Dear sir/madam.

I very much admire your little Ajax attempted on my behalf. Not only have you emulated my writing and mind, but you've also attempted to mimic replies shooting to my inbox. What a new low!

How far deep in the truth you are I may never know. But this much I will tell. Your failed attempt of separation, segregation and breaking of the lines was however merely another bump down the road. We've survived it this time. And will keep surviving till the end of the line. I hope I'm not tempting you for imminent attempts. But if you please would turn the other side and walk away.

This old man does not turn his other cheek.

yours truly

I still love you, baby I adore you

2009-04-15T05:38:00.000+03:00

Couldn’t sleep so I went out walking
Thinking about you and hearing us talking
And all the things I should not have said
Echo now, inside my head

It just ain’t fair this thing called loving
When one step there and the other feels nothing
I would have done anything for you
I still love you, baby I adore you

I feel something falling from the sky
I’m so sad I made the angels cry

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
But tears from the moon
Can’t wash away the pain

Tears from the moon

It just ain’t fair this thing called loving
When one step there and the other feels nothing
I would have done anything for you
I still love you, baby I adore you

All day I keep from falling apart
But at night when the sky gets dark

Tears from the moon
Fall down like rain
I reach for you
I reach in vain

Stop, stop haunting me
It should be easy
As easy as when you stopped wanting me

when did you fall? When was it over?

2009-04-14T03:05:00.000+03:00

You can’t see my eyes
You can’t see my eyes
They don’t see yours
Hear me when I say
I don’t mind at all

It’s the rain that I hear coming
Not a stranger or a ghost
It’s the quiet of a storm approaching
That I fear the most
It’s the pain that I hear coming
The slightest crystal tear
Drops to the ground in silence
When my love is near

Darling, when did you fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did you fall? When was it over?

It’s marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart and then my lonesome song begins
It’s marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart and now my lonesome song begins

Darling, when did you cry? I couldn’t hear you
Darling when? When did you cry? I couldn’t hear you

I suppose it is the price of falling in love
I suppose it is the price of falling in love

It’s the rain that I hear coming
Not a stranger, not a ghost
Of the quiet of a storm approaching
That I fear the most
It’s the pain that I hear coming

The slightest crystal tear
Drops to the ground in silence
When my love is near
It’s marching through my door now
The stony cold of lonesome
A bell tolls for my heart and now my lonesome song will end

Darling, when did we fall? When was it over?
Darling when? When did we fall? When was it over?

I suppose it is the price of falling in love
I fear that it’s the price of falling in love

Undo The Silence

2009-04-13T20:07:00.000+03:00

Quiet now, he speaks
What’s it gonna be?
Same old private stories

Once again be told
Guess we’ll never know
What really stands in between us

How long will it take to undo this silence?

Undo this silence
Undo this silence
Baby I’m breaking down
Undo this silence
Undo this silence
Undo this silence
Baby I’m breaking down

How long will it take to mend this broken heart?
I’m fading
Is there any way we can undo this silence?

Undo this silence
Baby I’m breaking down

Undo this silence
Undo this silence
Baby I’m breaking down
Undo this silence
Undo this silence
Undo this silence
Baby I’m breaking down

Time Is Running Out

2009-03-11T12:38:00.003+03:00

I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I want to break the spell
That you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You
Will be the death of me
Yeah, you
Will be the death of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

But our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped
Sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You
Will squeeze the life out of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

But our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

How did it come to this?
...

Yeah, you
Will suck the life out of me

How did it come to this?

Rage Within Me

2009-03-10T14:13:00.002+03:00

Come down from the north, come down from where I was born. Bring down your demon armies, let them stomp the grounds of this capital city. Grow fear into them and rumble sands over them. For I am raged. I feel heartache and pain, i am wounded and left to bleed.

Sound the alarms of the city, spread out panic into their hearts. For this city holds so much agony for me. Winds start to howl onto buildings windows; hiding its demon army underneath the sands. Raveling everything that’s underground.

A demon general comes to me and informs that she has been found and awaits my command for see. I hold my breath and think if all this pain she had caused last night was worth her end for me? I command him to continue his howls and bawls until I have decided.
He commands his fleet to her house and blows like never before. Dogs start to bark. Dogs start to hide. Ducks with black ribbons of death roam ths skies. Yet still I have not decided what should become of her. I shall smite my stick to the earth and break the skies with lightning and sprint into her heart, and so I did.

She holds a small part of my memory inside her. They are filled with pain and unlikeness. I went through her reasons and all I could find were prints of "leo must die". More and more needed I to know. And I found that her hollowness was caused by me. And I command my generals to fail and return from where the place they'd appeared ... and leave her unharmed.

They drew back, but the battles still remains.

Wars of a dead man walking

2009-03-07T09:22:00.002+03:00

The things that defeat us from finding our way in life are growing stronger by the day. We've expected them to happen somewhere along our paths in life. Somewhere when we've got children and have our own homes to go to. We thought we were ready to face them and that we grow stronger with every breath. But the fact remains; life is in fact difficult and breaks us when we assume we're at our strongest.
Maybe we didn’t quite yet understand life like we're supposed to. Maybe its oblivion and superciliousness we reach that makes us feel invincible. Maybe we should have not reached the stage in the first place.

Truth be told; life is one big war and every day is a new battle that must be won. Its okay to fall sometimes I guess, but what really matters the most is that we learn from those battles and betrays in order to win our next fights in life. Yes the word war is a gruesome and awful way to express life. But I guess somewhere in the back of my head its how it seems to me. I wake every morning not to lose my head, or sense of time. I need that to survive, just like a combatant needs his water and guns. This is who I am. This is how I've survived all these years.

Yet still, every defeat comes in worse than it's precedence. I fall sometimes to my knees. All my dreams seem to vaporize into thin air. I sink and mellow into the goblet of my soul. And I find one happy thought that is strong enough to pick my mellowed existence and prepare myself to recoup again. sometimes I wait too long for it to come by; and eventually I can not wait too long. I'm afraid this hurt sometimes is too great for me to endure and walk on my feet again to continue this unjust life. I can not always help my shoulder solders and fuel their walks into the battle field. I too need stimulation to continue my existence and arrogate myself to triumph.

Thank you, But i am.

2009-01-04T20:47:00.002+03:00

Tho this I'm about to say may seem absurd, but ultimately you knew me too well. I think in the end, like always, you were right. I found someone that swooped me off my feet. Someone real, someone I could feel indemnity with all my emotions and thoughts. I only thought that could happen with only you.

We've only just began and this road we're walking through is harder than the road we took once upon a time. She is quite different than you were. Actually she's even different than anyone I could’ve imagined myself ending up with. She's wild, fun, hyper and filled with love to give; she's also pretty honest with her thoughts and too logical for me to understand sometimes. I guess opposites do attract after all.

For so long you've been running through my mind, I know we've had our closure noura. But still, I kept on telling you about my daily life in one way or another, you were my safe zone. I probably never mentioned this to you, but she's been on my mind for months now. I actually once dreamt that you and I conversed about her and you just gave me the feeling to go for it, and I did.

Well it just began to happen a few days back. We started 2009 together in some way. I myself were in agony; that I was in a different part of the world at the time and not just that. I think I went beyond my own illusive imagination that day. I actually trekked years in olden times and saw all what I've missed form her life and got to know who she used to be. It actually hurt me in many excruciating ways to a point I just couldn’t breathe no more, I swear! And though this might seem bizarre to the common brain; but I felt it was more like a cleansing journey into her soul. And I actually felt what people sing about, they call it sweet misery! Or something to that effect!

The first day of the year I spent it with a very good friend of mine. Though we haven’t met in years probably but still we sat and spoke endlessly about her. Oh, her name is maha by the way. My friend and I went all around the exclusive places we didn’t have in saudi, and supported me on many levels on loving this maha of mine. I hope you don’t feel offended, but yes, I believe we've reached a point somewhere where we own one another; but in a non-controlling good way that is.

So here I am back to Saudi, and she proved that she is willing to endure me like I secretly promised her the same. I believe this will end well. You remember how I jump around my mother sometimes waiting for her blessings in almost everything I do. Well, from the thronging vibes I've been throwing her way, I think we stand a chance. A really good chance of making this happen. – Fingers crossed!

Note to self: the 28th is where it all began.

2008-12-18T15:38:00.002+03:00

Hi,
I hope this letter finds you well. Long have I wanted to hear your voice again; but I couldn’t bring myself to break anymore promises. It always comes and leaves in a blood rush. This need, this desperate need to hear your voice again is sometimes more than what I can handle. I almost dial the last number you called from, but then a sudden agitating feeling overwhelms me. Yes, I never deleted that log off my phone. I safe guard it every few days in case I needed to count the days that have passed.

I don’t really know what would I tell you if I ever did call that number. All I know is that I need to hear your voice again. It might give me a boost to live a few more months with a smile plastered to my face.

Its been almost two years now since we last spoke, I remember my first six months very well. Actually most people around me remember how I used to be back then. Little by little, it all started to fade away. Till I've become this hallow shell of a person without stamina.

Would your soporific voice help me find a rationale for life again? Or was my boost stemming from the closure I finally found in our goodbyes? I don’t know – I really don’t.

I wrought this scenario in my head a thousand times; I typed endless messages to no avail. It's time for marriage in Leo's-vill. And I wanted you; quite honestly, all I could see in my mind's eye was you for so long, that I forgot how it felt to actually be with someone real anymore.

One thing is certain though, time will keep moving on, and if I cant match its speed, I'll never reach home.

I can't decide anymore, my falling off the planet did not aid my serenity like I had anticipated. The end is near my friend. I can smell the essence of my downfall right around the corner.

Leo.

above & beyond..

2008-08-12T04:40:00.001+03:00

Four thirty A.M, I'm awake again
Singing to the dark through open eyes
While dreaming I see only you and me
Stuck between desire and compromise

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

And I can't sleep... You're so far away from me
And I can't sleep... And I can't sleep

You're leaving me scars scattered in my heart
A road map of all the places you have been
And I can't escape, can't wash this away
Love has burned your mark so deep within

If I said I want you back I'd be a liar
There's nothing left of us to long for anymore
But inside the ashes burns an endless fire
And every night I can't help reaching out for more

beating the norms

2008-06-30T15:40:00.001+03:00

Normal? How would you know if you were normal or not? Maybe your height, weight, eye color or hair would be good standards to evaluate yourself. But what about those that are happening in your mind from thoughts to mind conversations down to conclusions. how can you evaluate those against the norms?
Some people don't like exposing their mental activity; I guess they fear the criticism. so how can those evaluate? Reading books articles magazines or watching TV might be an indicator to some extent. but then, what if you are faced with something you're not quite sure of? i guess you could bring it out casually in a conversation and see how people would react. or maybe stick it on someone's back and carefully await his reaction.
I guess that's fine to some extent, but what about the weird desires, or some like to call them specials. what about them? if you were a shy person how would you evaluate what's crossing the redlines of sanity? it is tricky, those methods above won't be of much use.
Lets have this example to discuss. you are a shy person, say extra shy. You have some weird captivated desire. you never thought it was weird. Then somehow you spoke of it casually forgetting for a second that you might be criticized. And then someone laughed their asses over that weird thing you felt like doing. So now what? Will you lock your self in a room and redo your evaluation to all norms? Alright you did that, and the bar is set too high. all of a sudden everything seems abnormal to you, you wouldn't feel comfortable speaking anything out. - Correct? if so, then what would be a causal conversation from there off? Almost nothing. Everything would seem boring to you. Cause the bar of norms excluded everything interesting you could speak of.
How about a different example. you have weird thought and you admit they are weird, but you laugh them off and don't really give a jack to any criticism. Wont you start to get people opening up to you, and when you do, you would learn allot more of what is normal and what is not. but hold on a second here. if you find yourself in this example. Wouldn't it be too hard to hold back, even if you wanted to change so badly?
Some people could be those two extremes at the same time. Do you think they have some split persona? I don't at least. i keep shifting from one extreme down to another. Sometimes i pass through several personas in a day. Allot of people call that immature, and i agree. its so difficult to change who you are. Even in psychiatric sessions it's really hard to choose one personality. but one thing i give you for granted. Focus on one as your base personality; let's call it your safety net. and all the other persona's you can live them to a lower dosage then u used to. A life coach could come in handy more than a psychiatric.
Life coach is one that has a positive impact on you, often has an optimistic persona.

20 years here on earth

2008-06-02T16:49:00.000+03:00

so today you are twenty years of age, ive only known you for six of them and been with you on one. i wonder what happened to you after all these years.

are you happy or are you sad? do you still think of me.. or could you have forgotten? i knew one wish you once made. i wonder if it had changed this year or the last.

me? i guess i am doing fine. i had my birthday five days before you did.. just like the last twenty years that passed. i was thinking about you on that day. well maybe just wondering if you remembered my birthday or not. heh, one more ponder i add to my book of no answers.

its been said that you grow wiser every year. I'm not so sure how correct that is. i guess you just grow more indifferent with every passing year.
.
.
.
the courser has been blinking the past five minutes and i still am totally blank. i guess i just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.

lost in bermuda

2008-04-30T10:58:00.000+03:00

lost in Bermuda

I'm currently clueless of where I want to be, ive lost all directions ive worked hard on these past few months. Honestly, I don’t even know where I am anymore. Living the moment doesn’t apply either. I'm heavily sedated. I feel untouchable, and not the good kind of that. Even a good morning smile doesn’t seem true anymore. I just feel disgusted of my everything, my body, soul and even my thoughts. Am I weighing myself against a heavy score?

I lost all the answers to all the questions I prepared in my head, just incase if someone asks. Natha, I got nothing anymore. And surprisingly enough, it doesn’t feel good having nothing. It could be the future just got foggier. – who the fuck knows! Right?!

One thing hadn’t rested in my mind though. Its marriage. I used to be so picky choosing someone perfect enough for my children to call a mother. For some reason, I don’t mind anyone at the moment. – this could show lack of self security. But this isn’t my concern now. I want to get married cos I just want to fuck.

Lost and confused again. When will I ever grow up and just not give a damn!

WHAT IS ETERNAL ( BEETHOVEN )

2008-04-20T12:54:00.000+03:00

AND HERE IN THE NIGHT
AS I FEEL THE INFERNO
I STARE IN THE DARK
THINKING WHAT IS ETERNAL

THE MAN OR THE MOMENT
THE ACT OR THE REASON
THESE THOUGHTS FILL MY HEAD
AS I CONTEMPLATE TREASON

OF DREAMS I HAVE HAD
AND DREAMS I HAVE PONDERED
WHEN LATE IN THE NIGHT
MY MIND IT WOULD WANDER

TO THINGS I HAVE DONE
AND THEN QUICKLY REGRETTED
WHILE DENYING VICES
MY LIFE HAD SELECTED

AND I THINK WHAT I'VE DONE
OR HAVE YET TO BEGIN
AND THE MAN I'VE BECOME
AND THE MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CAUGHT IN A WALTZ
WITH THE ETERNAL DANCER
I'M COURTED BY DEATH
BUT DEATH ISN'T THE ANSWER
I SAY

ALL I WAS
MEANT TO BE
COULD I
SUDDENLY
JUST DECIDE
NOT A THOUGHT
WOULD SURVIVE
COULD IT BE
MY LIFE'S WORTH
ENDED THERE
WITH MY BIRTH

IF I COULD SEE SOMEONE
WHO'S BEEN THERE BEFORE ME
AND TRADED HIS SOUL
FOR A MOMENT OF GLORY

HIS PENANCE OR MERCY
BY SPIRITS DEBATED
WHILE JUDGED ON A SCALE
THAT'S BEEN HEAVILY WEIGHTED

AND WHAT HAVE I DONE
COULD THERE BE SUCH A SIN
IN THIS MAN I'VE BECOME
IN THIS MAN THAT I'VE BEEN

NOW CALLING TO GOD
FROM THE PIT'S VERY BOTTOM
I PRAY HE FORGIVES
EVERY SIN I'VE FORGOTTEN
THIS DAY

AND WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT
THAT MY FATE IT WOULD CONJURE
THIS TWIST IN THE ROAD
ON WHICH I HAVE WANDERED

EACH VISION AND DREAM NOW
COMPLETELY DISMEMBERED
TO GIVE ONE'S WHOLE LIFE
AND FIND NOTHING'S
REMEMBERED

AND WHAT GOOD IS A LIFE
THAT LEAVES NOTHING BEHIND
NOT A THOUGHT OR A DREAM
THAT MIGHT ECHO IN TIME

THE YEARS AND THE HOURS
THE SECONDS AND MINUTES
AND EVERYTHING THAT
MY LIFE HAS PLACED IN IT
BETRAYED
BETRAYED
BETRAYED

THE THINGS I HAVE DONE
THE PLACES I'VE BEEN
THE COST OF MY DREAMS
THE WEIGHT OF MY SINS

AND EVERYTHING THAT
I'VE GATHERED IN LIFE
COULD IT BE LOST
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
COULD IT BE LOST IN THIS
NIGHT

Crushed by the dilemma he finds himself in and unable to reach a decision, Beethoven tries to recall the particular actions in his life that have led to his damnation. In anger, he confronts Fate for having dealt him such a cruel hand in life. Taken aback by his accusations, she offers to review his life with him and to change anything that he wishes to change.

Delighted with this unexpected proposition, Beethoven accepts. When she asks where he would like to start, Beethoven says the first thing he would change is his childhood. Fate takes him back through time where he finds himself as a young child sitting at a piano. He has just been cruelly slapped by a tutor for having failed to receive an appointment to the emperor's court. His tutor is trying to create a new child wonder, similar to Mozart, but unlike Mozart, Beethoven is an awkward and gangly youth. Now, sitting alone at the piano, he is trying to console himself by playing a melody that he finds soothing. Beethoven recognizes the melody as the future Sixth Symphony and sitting down next to the child completes the tune. The child smiles at this kindly adult and after they talk for awhile, asks if they might meet again and finish the song. Beethoven reassures the child that one day that just might possibly happen.

940 AM

2008-04-06T10:17:00.003+03:00

Long have I thought that maybe one day I’ll learn to forget. Or the pain would be any less. I try and occupy myself with anything, anything at all. It does work.. momentarily I guess. But then as I break the tension and go for the coffee room.. it just all comes back to me in a flush. Yet, the pain of loss isn’t great at the moment. It gets worse when I light up my cigarette and start sipping the hot coffee.

Sometimes I talk to myself, in a low tone of voice. I like to hear myself speaking to you. It calms me down when I start to imagine you listening. I know how much you liked my “hayel” accent. Sometimes the words I speak are random and other times they’re just a pathetic word rhyming that make no sense even as they’re coming out.

The truth is, I never got over you no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps there still is a little part of me that cant believe you’ve gone, perhaps I’m just too afraid to move on. But one thing I am sure of. I wont ever find another you.

i remember... you

2007-11-20T02:36:00.000+03:00

Sometimes at night it comes slow under the shadows of memories. It finds its way back to my heart. It starts with a smile and slowly its shine starts to fade away. I remember you. If only you do too. Such a sad and hallow word that is …"if only"

Happy thoughts are all what keep my alive, doesn’t seem much at times noura.. it really doesn’t fuel my soul enough to carry on without you.

I remembered you tonight, everything went silent for a moment as I listened to forever young. I saw your smile on my screen tonight. I missed you so much.

… actually.. I still do.

I miss being so random around you, it never feels like home when ur not around. Ive learned to love you for so long. And now it all seems too hard to let go. You taught me that love, it grew in me for so long. how can I ever move along these hallow sidewalks of life. and being happy? when your not around to mock my silly thoughts and ideas. It hurts so much inside… we both know how bad it does. -dont you?

If I could make a wish now.. I couldn’t wish for anything. Its all faded away when youre gone.
I'm sorry noura, I'm so sorry for everything ive done. The things I said, and the promises I could never go through with. It is true, you never know true value of people until they’ve gone.. "if only" such a cold word don’t you think?

Noura, you set the bar too high for anyone to come across. I cant but compare them with you. No one seems to have a spec of you. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I'll ever grow to love again, they way I did with you? Its too freighting to walk all alone in a cold empty place I call home. We had it all planed out. We even had names to call them, their majors were already picked out even in their imaginary fights we picked our roles to play. How much longer… its dark not knowing.

I miss you, I miss me being with you. I had the whole world heal before me, I was king of my own world. I was… I just was.

If only you knew how much I care. If only, those cold empty echoing screams of "if only" god you have no idea what it feels like when youre not around

Me.Hearts.U.Noura

Sade' ... 1 of 8 (Why?)

2007-02-17T01:38:00.000+03:00

PS: the characters here are completely from my head. if u think you know who i am talking about, well sorry to burst ur bubble this soon.. but please do enjoy the read

Taking a side if it were right or wrong,
I usually never say I am sorry for what I had done.
I've lived knowing a single word cant undo a thing so strong
I work for my apology and now this epic has begun.

I understand the way you read, how slowly you walk throughout the words. Though you've never actually understood a hidden detail. So here, I wont hide you secret words or meanings, I'll speak bluntly.. I'll try to make it as the lyrics you understand the most.

Believe me I take no pleasure putting this effort in here.

I'll begin from the start to make you understand my epic of destroying you.

Slowly.... begin to read

Now, I do not hate you, nor do I repulse the thought that you are alive. I think I feel numb towards you.
Ever since you came into my life there was something I knew I had to be afraid of. Its not that ur a bad person, but sometimes you do stuff that put a flag on you. But before we began walking together down the road of love and affection, I told you the only thing I ask of someone i bring close to my heart, that is to be honest with me. Give me closure as it ends. And when the waves of emotions and vast seas of love become dead. Tell me and don’t pull me down the stream where nothing runs there anymore but me, being pulled over pebbles of rock and stone that scratch my back to bleed. – and I told you that cos I usually revenge myself when I feel impaired. But you didn’t care, or were too afraid..

go on, read more, u'll see where I stand

I never did like someone to fool me with anything. No matter how small it was. I told you we had two strikes as we began and the third would harm you so bad. Even if you started cheating or deceiving, be honest and it wont be a "strike three". Though it would hurt for a while, but honesty would wipe it all away. –you deceived me for over a moth. And it was time to strike back.

I'd still like to believe something about us was true.

There was a point in my life when I believed you. I don’t know how you did that, but it happened that I trusted you. I told you everything I there was about me. All the good and bad, I even told you how noura and I got together. That’s how much I trusted you. I even hated R for the love of you. I took noura's book back from her, when now I really try to understand why I did what I did. – you do remember that I even comforted you by telling you that you wont feel jealousy nor envy towards her after ur meet. But what you answered me back with, Was it true? – I guess I'll never know

I kept pulling back away from you and you kept pulling me back in. why? Did you really feel anything? You see now, I cant tell lies from truthful facts anymore. Its been imprinted in my head that you don’t even stop to think for a lie, its more of a habbit that you've masterd so well, you forgot what is true in you anymroe. and now, niether do I.

I didn’t like "BottleHead", cos she lied more than once. And it wasn’t because our meet the other day, but was on that same very night.. she lied and I cant bare a lying person in my life. – you do remember how I hated her guts and still do.

****
Enough of these thoughts rambling in my head, let me tell you what really made me want you to never smile a day in your life again.

I specifically asked you to tell me when the joke was over. You didn’t.I knew since this year began we were over. I gave you, on my count, five chances to come clean, but you never did.

I've always been one step ahead of you.. allow me to demonstrate

41 days from clash:
When you first vanished on new years and scratched my name off ur title. I knew by then all you had to do is come and tell me "we're done", for the love i had for you, I wanted to give you the chance to walk away without a diss.. but you insisted on playing around.

38 days from clash:
Remember the post where I apologized for intervening "changing ur plans in life" then stated that we both knew we were on a short run?
That’s why when you asked me to remove it from the post I never did. I was just waiting for your guts to speak it. But you insisted on telling me you smelled my scent on your pillows everyday, when actually you were back with a Mondo.

33 days from clash:
Remember that text i sent when dyke's mum, came late at night and you had your phone off till three in the am. I said in it, "even if it were betrayals, I don’t mind, just include me in ur life."
I added the word betrayal but you never commented on it. I knew it was true for a fact by then. I sat and shut up to see what would come next.

18 days from clash:
Remember when I told you about my sister and her honesty? I said I didnt care how bad you were, just be honest with me.
I made the "beating her up" bit for you to come out of ur closet. I knew you had mondo back, I just needed you to tell me about it.

3 days from clash:
Remember when I text you on lunch time "She promised I would be her only one. She promised to never stop thinking of me. She she'd keep her video cam up for me to watch her sleep. I am not that person she kept her promises to."
I added the webcam part three days before I found out for real, and it wasn’t me whom you kept ur promises to, confession came to hand.. again steps ahead of you

One day from clash:
Remember when I asked you " are we or are we not"? U insisted me on being next to you by telling me "YES WE ARE".. and that you wanted me to fix you and called me a jerk for walking away… that’s when I decided it was ur final draw.

The point is, you had too many chances to come clean, but insisted on me destroying you.. and well here I am. I told you I'd wipe the smile off you forever didn’t i? well we'll have to wait and see.

Yeah I forgot one. Remember when I told you if you step on me I bite back. That was when you went on ur first hoodeny.. count your steps and scale my bites

They've always said "it only gets worse before things get better.."
The worse is almost over now. Come by in a couple of days, and I promise bring back a smile to you..

DONE!

****

NEXT UPDATE

Now I'll take off the devils costume for the rest of the post. I've hurt one person before and I know its not so self soothing like everyone would imagine.

Go back in time, draw urself a smile sheneequa ..

Try and remember the first time we met.. take a deep breath and feel my hands run on your cheeks, my thumbs feel your eyebrows and my eyes smile speaking "I love you" locked at yours.

a battle resides in me

2007-02-13T19:54:00.000+03:00

Fillers of emptiness, avengers of love and all emotions that fuck me up… gather around me tonight..

Promises you never could keep, not to me nor yourself. haven’t I always told you to never give a promise even if you could keep? But you insisted on wrapping yourself with them. I never asked you to webcam me when you go to sleep, but you promised you would. I never asked you for words you didn’t mean, but you've always found a way to make me believe.

I've known since this year began.. that there was a flag of us growing apart. Remember when I refused to take that word off of you? I've known from the start it was too good to be true. Cos a person like you, never did exist on my plans of life.

I warned you I bit.. hard...
But you insisted on making me spit...blood

That night, that awful night I was in your room. Watching your every move. Listening to your every breath, and analyzing your every moan. On cam and phone. I was there with you that night. I heard everything you had to say, every fake orgasm you gave away.
He told you to look behind ur naked body.

that guy I wanted to kill saw me in the room behind you. He pointed from your monitor "behind you" to where I stood. You were frightened you were scared. A presence that could never be real. "Leo?! How are you here?" I never did come on my own, nor did i want anything to do more with you. the demons and devils surrounding you summoned me that night, they needed permission to bring you down.

I never stopped you from your evil plans, I always sat and watched you play your body, cheep and disgustingly to men who didn’t care. I had my legs crossed as I sat on a black leather chair. My hands were praying for this not be real. You closed your cam, put your clothes back on, and told me with a voice that spoke fright "none of that was real" its for you leo, I needed to understand how I feel.

"STOP AND DON’T LIE TO ME" I've always known something in you was so wrong. I am not here to punish nor make you feel worse, I just want to understand why was it me you chose. "But I love you leo." I banged my cane to the ground, an echo of freighting thunder came to sound.

A hundred demons were summoned by that one stroke to the floor. You feel their presence don’t you sade'? I uncover your eyes with what god has given you to protect your fears...but now, open up and see the demons waiting for my command. "Lord, let me sow fear into her heart. horror that would make her hair go into grey" another shouts " No lord, let me have the honor to shred her a thousand pieces apart... and fill each with blazes of fire fumed for all of eternity" SILENCE I SAY.

Look behind you sade'. Don’t be a afraid, this is the guardian of death, waiting for a snap of my fingers for him to command. "have mercy leo, I'm filled with imperfection, but don’t do me like this" -you don’t understand do you? I am not here to kill or fill you with horror, you are sick, and will be your cure. But what made you this way? Mondo? Fedo? Hadeel, or could it be 3jeel? You cant live life treating every man you meet like he were a nayef.

We aren’t all like that, we don’t cheat, we don’t break a girl for our own pride. "but the demons leo, why are they here?" they've all warned me about you from the start, I've been a fool blinded by you. And now it hurts to know you didn’t have the guts to come true. Here they are waiting to revenge me, they want to ease my pain. But no! I wont let them act on my rage, I've been there before, it only leaves me blank.. and little trails of hatred I cant never bare. One way or another I'll fix you. I promised I would. –if only u could remember

And like I promised I wont leave love for me in your heart again, I promise I will bring myself back to the start. But only this time, I'll remove the blinds off my eyes, for now I see you truthfully, naked with nothing to hide.. truth you couldn't even say to me… only me could cure

beauty killed the beast Ch3

2007-02-03T01:01:00.000+03:00

And so the story begins…

You went crazy when I told you about the article piece remember? Man, those were the good old days. I aint complaining here, I’m just reminiscing bout days of gold from a platinum point of view.

I do remember I wrote about love, I wrote about affection I wrote of feelings that could only explode from a volcanic eruption. I wrote of beautiful devotions, breathtaking emotions and everything you inspired me with. I made the whole world fall in love a thousand times with you, I let them see you with my eyes that loved every move you made, I let them hear every breath you took, not just that, I even got emails telling me that some could almost smell the scent of you. To that point of detail I’ve gone insane for you.

So our little bits and pieces of our lives made the smile find its home on our faces. Ten articles later, people started writing my uncle, that they ask for the newspaper published here. From then on I wasn’t published just here in the eastern province anymore, good ol’ uncle of mine got me published all around Saudi. A year after that, my little bits and pieces of you went international, and my uncle’s originally politician newspaper gave birth to new two last pages under the name “life as you know it”. back then I was in charge of a little group that publish on those last pages. We were like a family, even they wanted sneak peeks of what's coming next in the lives of you and I.

We grew closer to one other that year, remember? My uncle was pretty happy our lives crossed their paths. And the readers were even more happier that we spoke about it. Of course there were some dead days in our lives, but we worked them out. I do remember articles like “the panther in my arms” “stars twinkle tonight”, god!! there’s just too many to write down here. There was this once published piece that kinda made the readers want to strangle me in my apartment and make it look like an attempt of suicide. I was writing about a safari trip you and I had, fictional of course, but hey, it was a dead month for us, you had your finals remember? Anyhoo, We were walking through some Indian jungles, and it was pouring rain that night, it was like the sea had broken from the skies. And somehow we found shelter in a cave somewhere, and didn’t realize it was already taken by the natives. We ran inside trying to scare the monsters away, but who were we kidding, right?! And then I fell in some sort of puddle that swallowed me in, but I just couldn’t leave you behind. It was dark inside that cave and you flashed your beaming lights towards the opening face of the puddle so I could find my way back to you. I ended the article somewhere right there. But what busted the readers was that I didn’t speak of how we got out and found the airport, well I wasn’t detailed enough. I tried to explain that I wanted to speak of something real that is happening in our life, that’s why I had to end that safari post. So then I had to make them a re-cast of the safari. I remember getting loads of hate mail saying that I’ve lost my talent, but I promised that the next reads would be even more exotic.

Every beginning always has its special taste you know, you could almost remember how the morning smelled on days like that, even though its been lifetimes since that epic.

***

“We should celebrate” I told you. “why?” “excuse me?, what do you mean why?.. its not for the newspaper, its not for the articles, and not for the fans” I said. Now you start to remember other reasons for celebration, I could see a smile starting to grow on your face now. “Yeah that’s right, keep thinking”. You laughed cos you had no idea what to think, though you did just have a failing attempt of looking sincere. “C’mon, lets go” I hold your hand and take you to a restaurant that’s fancy as it still is casual the way you always liked. You loved it there, remember? “I love that its filled with people, but still I feel alone with you” you spoke. “ hey hey hey, don’t twist and turn, fives years back on a day like this, your car crashed on the road behind the sea” I said. “oh right, No wonder I have this little box for you” “damn it, you remembered? Why do you like toying with me? Sometimes I think you could read my mind” I said with a smile and held your hand closer to my face and told you that I had something really important to say …

As we dug in the dishes on our table, you steal a look at me and smile as if I’m doing something funny. So I humor you, I pulled my tongue out and shaped it like a flower, crossed my eyes, and asked for a kiss with a retarded way of speech. You pulled back on your chair and laughed so loud I could still hear it spanning time circles as it never died. But I also remember you biting your lower lip and stopped your giggles instantly, opened your eyes wider signaling me to stop. “What?” “the outside” I take a lean outside the fence, he looked in agony, he seemed like he’d forgotten how to laugh or smile. The looks on his face asked for a reason why people still laugh. Its like he couldn’t find any explanation for happiness. “poor kid.. Waiter.. we’ll have this and that to go please and bring us the bill please” you’re such an angel, no matter what, you always flap those angel wings of yours and spread love to those around you. “what was it that you had so important to tell me?” you asked “What? Man you broke my chain of thoughts, I was just thinking of preparing an article in my mind stating how angelically divine you are when you flap your wings for others.. what important thing?” “before the waiter came in with the food, you were going to say something” “see I told you we should get one of those palm tops.. I forgot really”
The waiter comes in with the bill and the bag, we paid and got out of there to look for the child. “how could a kid like that wind up in a place like this?” I asked. “we’ll you’re the reporter, unleash your hound-dogs to sniff and find out” “hey, that’s my little family you’re trying to diss, to think you were and angel, tsk tsk”

There was something about that boy that wouldn’t let me sleep at night. He had ragged cloths on, though his face looked like he was recently put into a situation like that. What could’ve been his background story I wondered. A phone call interrupts my thoughts. “hey remember that girl from the “sunset beach”? She just called and I think we’re on!”
God no! not again. We were always so close, but never lovers. I knew everything about you and yet you knew so little. This girl you spoke about was the waiter that dressed casually and always smiled to where you sat. you even made me go talk to her once after hours of admiration you agonized me with. The food was uneatable and still you always ordered from there. The coffee always had something from its taste missing, and yet that never stopped you from asking her not to forget the fudge you thought she made so good. Nothing there was fit for a dine, not even a cool morning breeze would make their horrible taste of food and service give you a smile. Yes I’m a girl too, but this isn’t being jealous of someone new, its only because you always picked the wrong people at the wrong times. Its enough for now, been five years now patting your shoulder from Noura’s downfall, and still you always found an affair that you thought will mend your heart, and I couldn’t take anymore of your none sense, your answer was always right there staring you back in the eyes. I started writing my next piece for the newspaper, it was a poem called “this is your revolution” it was mine directed to you for all the world to hear.

This is your Revolution.

There aren’t enough minutes in one hour or enough hours in one day. I’ve put in a request for more days in one week, more weeks in one month. And yet, time is on your side.

You’ll get over her you said. Love dies eventually. It always does, you said. We used to argue over this, remember? But I won the debate as I always did with you: love never dies. Always lingering on in the forgotten shadows of your mind collecting dust. Discarded, put aside, until you choose to think about it again.

My heart wrenches for you.

You were always easy to read. I knew you like a book I’ve read and reread, over and over again and yet I always ended up picking up the shards of your broken love affairs. Pieces I knew you’d leave behind. But then what are friends for?

We were growing up together but we were always slowly growing apart. We were never lovers and yet I knew your moves and the muscles on your body as if they were for my eyes only. Just like you knew my body, the exact number of freckles on my shoulders and the hidden moles you called 'beauty spots' which no lover of mine ever noticed.

That night, I saw the pain displayed on your face. The same pain I’ve seen many times before. I heard the ache in your voice; dull and heartbreaking. Even in the dark, the moon was our sun and the hurt was laid out for me; leftovers of your torrid love sessions.
Missing pieces of a sorely broken heart.

You’ve never been one to hide. Don’t start now. It doesn’t become you.

You’re always asking for my opinion but don’t listen when I speak. It’s always been in your habit to do such things to me. Jokingly, I promised you’d end up losing me. And yet underneath that joke and the laughs it fired up, we both knew it was true.

You took me for granted always saying tomorrow. Tomorrow will come. And it did. But the undress me eyes I once had for you are now locked away, locked away for someone else. And the colours of the rainbow you’ve walked are now grey to me. Your feathers are now frayed and the love I had for you tucked away; in a place I don’t want to see anymore.

What shape of insanity kept bringing me back to you I will never know. But at the end of the hollow tunnels of these eyes I now have for you, a small fire still burns. Protected by whatever friendship we have left between us.

Let me pull you from behind the shadows of the sun. Let me light the lamp over your head. Put your hand in mine and let me take you to the door you’ve faced so many times but were too afraid to try and open. Let me show you the road you wanted to take but never did. Listen to what I have to tell you, consider it.

Until you do, you’re sitting in purgatory’s waiting room.

That flame caged in your heart, it still burns. It will always burn. But give it time. Let it grow… I kissed your cheek as a mother would kiss her child and showed you the door, beautiful, tall and strong. One million miles fueled by a single kiss...This, is your revolution. A road which you'll have to take on your own. Stop running from it and start running to it.

I'm not coming with you, not this time. But I will always be here for you as I always have been in the past. And if you decide you don’t need me anymore, then know that I don’t exist. Never did, never will and that is a promise you know I'll keep.

***

*Witchblade inspired. Micheal Turner influenced. I drew the above picture a while ago but had to take a picture of it because it was too large to scan.
POSTED BY SAR AT Saturday, June 18, 2005

******************************

Leo here: This post I used Sara’s little story tell, its hers and has nothing to do with me, but we agreed if I were to use anything of hers I wouldn’t tamper it, and state her contact info.
So please don’t mix up her brilliancy with my insipidness.
Sara’s email is Silvershake@yahoo.com, give her a kiss for me willya.

Beauty Killed The Beast Ch2

2007-01-02T23:46:00.000+03:00

“So it’s been a month now, can I ask you something?” you tell me. “uh-ha,…?” “So really, why do you work for your uncle at the newspapers, when you’ve already got offers a thousand times better?” “okay you got me, I wont bull you with all that crap of him being the only family I’ve got, but see, I enjoy writing in a news paper, true I’m not a reporter, I just like speaking out loud. The pay isn’t all that good, but hey, I got a place to stay and food on the table”

Silence fills the air for a moment; I could see in your eyes a thousand words and allot more questions formatting deep inside your mind... I hold your hand tighter and tell you to “ask me anything, you should know by now I don’t get offended all that easy” you smile and tilt your head downwards for a second then look straight into my face and tell me, “lets have something to eat, lunch’s on me” I whistle for a cab and as it drove by the ocean I could’ve sworn something out there was smiling back at me.

There’s a deli just down the street where I live. We didn’t speak that much though I still remember you examining my every move, as if you wanted to carve every motion deep into your memory for years to come. “oh I forgot, these are for you” I picked a bundle of roses from the shelves as we passed by them.

We picked a few pounds of beef and some delights before we went up to my place that year. “So now I have to do the dishes?” I scrawl. “haha, no silly, its all on me today”. I knew those roses would do the trick, so now I kick back my shoes and rest in front of my laptop preparing for my next article. I hear you speaking but I’m not listening. Those aromas gently sliding from my little kitchenette start making my stomach grind its gears. “Baby, how much longer do I have to take this torture before I actually get to eat something?” I shouted with agony. “You do know my arm has still has a cast on, open a window or something before I bust a cap up your ass!” Damn it, I really am hungry now, and I can’t help it any longer. I slide my arm under the TV cabinet searching for that bag of lays we didn’t finish last night. “Uh-uh.. Food is ready little burglar”. “Well it’s about time”.

It’s was the first Monday of the month again, and I have to walk the ocean where my mother drowned many years ago. I usually don’t speak to her as if she could hear. I just start to wonder in my brain, and I know she hears me and solves all my silly problems. Well that’s how it works between my mother and I.
Though it’s forty six years today since that day, but it all feels like it was only yesterday. Sometimes I start to wonder what could’ve life had for both of us if we hadn’t bumped into one another that night?

Silence rests all around me slowly as I start to ignore all sounds of life around me and listen to worlds of emotions starting to collide inside of me. I feel troubled from something, it’s like flames eating the inside walls of my mind. I used to walk through my mind on floors of marble, but that cold marble underneath the souls of my feet became the very tongues of fire filling me with uncomforting feelings. Why? Till this day I couldn’t find an answer, but I guess it’s just the feel of a family that I’ve missed so much.
A football jumps next to me and breaks this silent rumble inside of me. I hear a kid shout behind me, “Sir, would you please be kind enough and kick our ball back?” sure, I flipped it back in their little court made from a set of shoes and Pepsi cans. “Play safe and be careful not to shoot at the running cars behind you kiddo”
I now start to cave back into myself and continue my torching thoughts, just searching for my mothers comfort in times like theses.

Now an old ragged man comes to my side, and politely asks if he could share a conversation with me. Sure, life is give and take, for all I know, he could have all the answers to my so many unrequited quarrels fighting in me. He lights up his pipe and stairs at the ocean with a gaze like wisdom dripping off him. “Oceans hold so many answers, she learns from sailors of many epochs ago” he spoke to me. I agree and find nothing intelligent to speak of. I search for my cigarette pack and slide one between my lips and take a deep inhale of that grand smoke. He looks at me as if I were too young to smoke with an age like this “Well, you probably been through allot more then what I have” his eyes speak to the ocean as I understood him directing his speech to me. “You don’t seem like a student, too many scares of life show on your face, do you have a job?” he asks. “Well yeah, I’m sorry we haven’t been properly introduces” and then speak my name and job to him waiting for him to speak more of himself. All he told me was that he’s the grandfather of those children that play with the ball they toss my side. I still do remember the family having a grill on fire. But why isn’t her sharing their family love. I couldn’t ask really, I thought it’d be too rude of me to ask such an intimate question so soon.

Though we silently speak and exchange our conversations and thoughts of life, I was wondering what happened to you. It’s almost sundown, and you haven’t called me still. The family’s grill is almost done and the father sends one of his kids to come and invite me over as he told his grandfather. I checked my mobile for time and excused myself to leave. After a thousand nags from the kid and the father to join them, the grandfather said it was rude to insist on me. Even more surprising he told me to call you and ask if you’d allow me to join them! I was shocked, we barely spoke of anything and still it’s like he could see right through me. Who was he really?

I had a few bites with the family and then left home to finish my article due for tomorrow’s paper. I sat trying to grab a line from what I had already written and continue this political scandal I believed Saudi was falling in but I couldn’t get that grandfather’s character out of my head. Hours passed by and you still haven’t called. I was a mess that night. I called your house, and your sister answered telling me you were asleep all afternoon.
I pulled up a blank file and started to my keystroke drawing that day into words. I even elaborated on this mystery grandfather I met. I wrote down all our conversations that no one knew about but me, him and God. I ended up writing five pages, and titled it “people you don’t meet everyday”
The editor was sick of me not answering my phones and when I did, I told him to give me till midnight. My uncle called around 11, and shouted madness; I should’ve given in my paper at nine. He started to blame that if tomorrow’s paper didn’t come out I’ll pay for that loss. I told him that I have a different article I’m working on and it could be a good substitute for this I didn’t finish. Time was cornering him so he agreed.

My column was published and all was good. Actually it went beyond good that week. He got fan mails for more of articles like mine; people said it was closer to their everyday lives. Now my uncle sends me to write more about stuff like this. He also asked me if I could write about you and I. of course I’d have to consult with you first.

Kel 3am Winto Be5eer, and a happy new year

2006-12-30T22:46:00.000+03:00

its a new day, its a new dawn, its a new life for me

Some started this year with joy and others with grief. There really isnt anyone to point or blame at, cos i beleieve its all the doings of God. Those are more of lessons we need to understand only by passing through them. A friend of my brothers had an accedent riding a bike on King Abduallh road two days ago on thuresday. He'd broke his skull and damaged his brain with a horrific fall. To this day he's in the ICU. May God have mercy on him and his family.

This taught me that i need to set things right before its too late.
So before i go one i'd like to thank god for all good this earth is filled with, and hope we dont ruin our families and lands with our own hands.
And since its new year i'd also like to start it clean. i've perpared a list of all those that might hold a grudge against me, and hope for forgivness.

To my family;
My Mother, i've ran away from chores and refused gifts and conversations of what might being pulling my mood down. mum, you are my whole universe i'm sorry.
My Father, i've refused your prizes for how well i'm doing in my studies and turned down allot of your father-to-son offerings. i beg forgivness.
My Brothers, i'm sorry i was mean sometimes when speaking with you. you're the best i could ever wish for. really you are
My Butterfly, sometimes i may seem crule, or demanding. truth is i love you more then life itself, and wouldnt know what to do without you.

To my friends;
those i've lost contact with, i'm sorry sometimes i hesitate on calling or getting back in touch
Moe999, i'm sorry i havent retuned calls, and locked myself in my room for a while. we'll go Jetski on me
TIM, i'm sorry i enjoy teasing you more then i should, i know you get bothered, but i'll work on a better me, promise
INSANITY, i'm sorry i havent asked about the cancer person of your family, hope she's well
Yasser, i sometimes lose my temper around you. i hope you dont take it too personal, i'll work on it
MAK, i dont call you to meet up cos i know i'll see you with yasser. i'll do better
Omar, i'm sorry we dont speak anymore, and that i've been pushing you into my view of life.
Sulaiman, i'm sorry we do plans without you
Sara, i'm sorry we lost touch years back, you might not know this, but i am what i am because of your friendship, thank you
Nadia, i'm sorry i didnt show up on your wedding, hope your marriage is grand
Maidya, thank you for bearing all my nags all these years. hope you drive safe
Mona, i'm sorry i spoke so bad about your brother, you've been a shoulder for so long

To people in Blog Town;
Those whom comment to my crappy life, i'm sorry i dont find time to visit yours, but i'll make sure i do visit
No heroine, sorry i dont check ur blog no more, i'll try to keep myself updated
She6anah, i'm sorry we lost touch. hope your job makes you smile
Fouf, i'm sorry i was misunderstood. you deserve better
Stylish Girl, i'm sorry i havnt commented on your blogs so long, and stopped writing poems
Sexy Cow, i'm sorry sometimes i get annyoed from you, ur an angel
Rawr, i should,ve heard both sides before i took things into hand. u gave me anew life and i shoulve known better
Sweetest Sin, i'm sorry i added myself to your problems, i hope college works out fine
Fashionesta, i dont hate you, i just dont like how you live, and i'm sorry i cant see it from your side. i hope you forgive me
Alia,i've missed your posts
UbberGIrl, i'm sorry we got on the wrong foot from the start, i'm sure you would,ve made a great friend
Wasted Chix, sorry i dont visit, i'll do soon
Bissa, i'm sorry i didnt spend more time knowing you
Kisha, i'm sorry i back talked you once, i'm sure i'm so wrong
Fedo i'm sorry i didnt make time to know you before i rested to my thoughts
ZizoTime i'm sorry i didnt take time to know you before i came to my conclusion

People On the msnger
Juju, i'm sorry we havnt spoken for a while
Chocolata, last we did is fight, hope you forgive me
T.Shal, i'm sorry i seemed like a snob, i should've been more polite

People from my heart;
Saro0a, i'm sorry things didnt work out, ur an amazing person. really you are. you're too good for me, and you deserve better. I hope i'm not on your bad side
Noura, i'm sorry for everything, i hope life treats you grand
Sade', we both knew its a short track, i'm sorry i changed your plans in life. i shouldnt have imposed

And if you dont find your name on this list, please email me me on Leomasa01@yahoo.com

Happy 3eed and a new year too,
Leo.

2006-12-16T14:56:00.000+03:00

Okay so now this is just a quick fart of my brain… FART.. Ahhh.. Sometimes I believe inno good things and bad things sometimes come in a swallow. Ya3nee,,, as everything is running fine and smooth in your life you then find a series of stuff that just give you the crabs.. Well what I’m trying to get at, is inno for over a month now and everything seems to be clashing down around me. The thing with Sara, then her grandfather passed away after that i was misunderstood by someone, then I found out that I trusted wrong people in life, and after that I got backstabbed. The problem of misunderstanding was that somehow we lost a connection on a sane level, and now as I look into the bigger picture its like I was being used. I mean I would’ve helped, but don’t treat me like a complete idiot, u knw? The other backstabber, or unworthy of trust had a secret of mine that promised to hold on to so tight, but later on in life, I started to remember why I always kept friends away from intimate stuff in me. Well all that and more gave me the feel that I’m lost, distracted, deep distortion in my mind. This made me see all the bad things in people, even those whom don’t really hurt, like double Ss, I shouted and kicked so bad, not because she bugged me as much as I was trying to prove to myself I’m still on track and I do make a difference. So yeah my brain is officially fired.
For a week now and I cant sleep at night, I don’t know whats on my mind, I just cant focus on anything no more, if simple as sleeping I cant do, I think you can imagine how my day goes like. I hate this feeling of being stupid distracted with no good comebacks to friends or professors. Yeah and adding to all of that, I think this is the exact time where it hit me the most. McKenzie was having a seminar on campus and the collage sent messages to everyone to attend on Thursday a five hour seminar. So during the presentation and just before the workshop ended they asked us all to leave except for the selected 14. so now two things bug me here, one is that why didn’t I know about it, and why is our university so messed up to send everyone an open invite when it was for specific people. So from that day forth and I haven’t been myself. Something’s gone wrong with me.. its like I feel all the hate around me. And its like I’m caving into this shell of FUCK OFF I HATE YOU kinda personality..
I guess when one brick falls off the wall it makes me want to bring the whole wall down and make a better and stronger one, but eventually I just leave it broken in the end. You know that feel when you know its alright to cry? You start to remember some old shit that hurt you, well I guess I’m in that sort of phase I guess.Well I guess its just the wrong things at the wrong times, or it could be global warming.,. I mean hey everyone blames it ..so why cant i? thank you, now you can go!

Beauty killed the beast

2006-12-15T03:14:00.000+03:00

Though I own this world and move it with the tip of my right hand’s pointer, I still feel empty and hallow inside. All those lonely nights still haven’t touched my heart with that blessing inspiration. Nights tend to seem like they fail to end when you’re alone, don’t they? I sometimes gaze into that unbounded sky and wish upon a star.
“oh star up high in that clear infinite heaven above, bless me… bless my heart and let me feel again”

For the first night in a thousand nights, she winked back at me and spoke. I got a hint for its little twinkle and rested to sleep with a heart filled with warmth on that cold night.

I had a smile plastered on my face that night. The cool breeze was touching my skin and assuring me that it was that last of my forlorn nights. I hugged my coverlet even tighter and reminisced on my mothers love on nights like this. Nights I never could have enough of.

Now before you go on reading this little brain dance of mine you should know…you should know that it will crush your heart with a shiver and make you feel that little thing you lost some while ago. Tonight as you read, I’ll help you find something the whole world is looking for. And if you reach the end without that jewel shining on your thrown, I promise that this post will be that last that wastes your time.
-hold me to it.

It’s a story about a prince, or a king perhaps. A king that sits on his rightful thrown. He wasn’t cruel nor was he mean, actually a record of him abusing his rank was never found, in short, he was an “Arthur”.

Everything I could wish for was just right there. It was like nothing was misplaced nor would be for a very long time yet to come. Though I am worth the whole universe with thoughts, but still my pockets seemed always to have dust in them; yet I never complained. I walked those endless streets late at night when nothing could calm my sickness but a cool breeze and a whisper of the ocean hauling me a message from a mother… a mother I’ve lost a lifetime ago. I sit and speak to my brain for so very long endless conversations. It seemed at a point of my life I had none but it to befriend; but yet complaining wasn’t my thing to show; it was just in my head; she understood me better then anyone had ever attempted to. I call her you…

However on that one particular night the moon didn’t show as it promised last month.
It was late at night and sleep failed to find its way to me. I sat behind a road that peeked on the ocean. And as I understood every tide that broke into shore,

listening to calmness, touching peacefulness, I start to hear cars screaming their wheels behind me… silence for a second when everything seemed to loose its life. Its like everything needed an hour to fall into place, everything dawdled in my mind, even the waves slow motioned for a second as they clashed to my feet. My heart had trenched for a splitting second. Engines were shouting on the road behind me. A scream breaks the pause of life… A girl shouted out “my family, my family… please someone help” My mother who died a long time ago gasped and shouted me to run. She was the ocean that stood quiet for a second before it splashed its final wave to shore. Something wanted me to go there and sprint to find you laying down in the crowd. The crash was fatal; no one could’ve survived. I saw fear in everyone’s eyes, little boys and men. I never knew anything about medicine nor how to treat a trauma. I held no degree from mankind what so ever. But life being the caring person she is taught me all there was to know. I slowly began to move the body away from the wreck. I was covered with your blood but still… I didn’t clash into old memories of my fainting from that red liquid called life within you.

***

For the next two days I didn’t feel any deferent then last week. I was just curious how you’ve been. I didn’t want a reward nor a pat on the shoulder, all I wanted to find was you getting better. I walked gradually as I entered your room. I didn’t want to disturb you as you got better. I saw your family around a bed and a dimmed light over your head... oh little princess. I knew then what I missed the most. It wasn’t a family to hold back my pain, no not that. It was love what I needed. Finally, life gave me that answer I longed for so badly. I needed love, simple as that.
I rested that box of chocolate and flowers on the chair and came closer to your bed to find you so pail. Even your lips had no colors. Your eyes were resting shut and a small blue bruise on your arm made you look so adorable that night. I touched your hand and moved my fingers across your arm till I touched it. I started to pull back all the memories of the first night we met. You were covered with red and yet I felt the need to kiss you so bad.

Now a week has passed by and you are getting better by the day. All the hospital attendee thought I was your brother…well its true in a way… I felt a connection before I ever met you.
“you seem fine, you have color back in your cheeks”
you smiled back at me with eyes locked into mine. Now I feel speechless, I have a thousand things to ask but nothing seems to agree on being the first to come out. I knew all my thoughts were shy from you but still I felt the need to talk with you.
“have you tried this chocolate? Its called ‘after eight’”
you smile back “yes, but I just couldn’t bare the thought of chocolate with mint inside”
okay so now you confused me and I haven’t the faintest idea what to tell you.. so I figure its best to shut up for the moment.

The next few days I do pretty much the same. Speak to my life and hear the whispers of the ocean telling me. I walked by that place we first met a thousand times. I just sit and stair how amazing this place was. How life decided is here where we meet. Fascinating how life works sometimes isn’t it? I mean she sometimes doesn’t give you all the answers at once. She keeps you puzzled to figure out those answers on your own. And her sidekick time always works perfectly. Now I believe super hero’s don’t just exist in comic magazines. No! I touched them, I felt them help me. My mother and sister, I love you so much.

I’ll stop here to allow you to be fascinated by these words for now. And I wont cancel this one. I have it all done in my head, I just need you to appreciate this feeling I want you to start looking for.

on a brighter note, you can enjoy old posts of mine on the same tempo as this...

here are the links

Mi casa es su casa

2006-12-05T19:55:00.000+03:00

Okay so now that I found this webcam I lost six years ago, I made good use of it. And allot been bugging me since I moved to this room and painted "my way".
So this post is dedication to Mona, Noufa, Sara, Shahd, and yasser. Well technically he didn’t bug me all that much, nor did he ask anything that fag! bas he better like it saki-outa-san!

Dont freak out if i got two beds, it suniversity regulations..

So here is my work place.. stacked all the books I was supposed to study
on the shelves, and on the desk is my art corner..

My latest creation inspired and dedicated to Shahd aka. "Double Ss"

Close up

Six fingers, well i had space i needed to fill out.. :S

The process

The result

Okay so now enough bragging about myself check out my room
The entrance from
the inside (DUH)

The carpet

The other bed I don’t use, AKA "the Guest corner!" now as the art part of the
room

if you look into the blue pin-board, you can find little pieces of paper brought together to make this painting i showed you earlier, so there you have it folks, i'm a fake!

My kitchen (part of the art part)

(problem is inno I wanted a close up but the webCam is hooked on the PC tower so I cant have that distance.. Mona, I won a Digi cam on ur blog, so where the hell is it? – plus shahd you promised ya mota5alifa!!)

My Blue post it

My Japanese table (where I study, eat, and unpack my bags)

OKay fine its not jap, but its feels like it when you sit!!
Gulf weekly is there! -jus to sound Sophisticated P~

Where I sleep and dream about you (notice the wall colors fairouza and
bamboo green)

My secrets

My window

(I can see the aramco hospital from here, the LandCruiser is inside aramco and the sedan is inside university grounds)

The coffee mug I could jus throw the other side to sarOona

Well that’s all for now, I hope you enjoyed the tour of my mansion. and hey, tune in next week. We have a tour scheduled around my naked body.. ADULTS ONLY!! –lol kiddin so don’t get ur hopes up!
Keep it safe!
Leo.

"Someday By Nickelback"

2006-11-30T23:29:00.000+03:00

"Someday"

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

[Solo]

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when

[Thanks to nickelbackrocks@hotmail.com for these lyrics]

[ www.azlyrics.com ]

Uncontainable love...

2006-11-24T04:30:00.000+03:00

Love affairs...

It really is hard to talk about a feeling, I mean it has no stature you could start your admiration with, no smell no color no scene no touch, but you know its out there staring you right in the eye.
Funny how we describe love, isn’t it? We talk about it as a little child sometimes. And yet also shape and color it as mountains touching skies and rivers dancing through lands, sometimes even waterfalls symbol love almost perfectly.
People differ and agree to those symbolists depending on how they perceive them. Cause for one, loving your daughter is worlds apart from loving a friend, or a brother. But yet all those are love, they all revolve on wanting them to be happy.

Now again people differ on happiness. To some, it’s seeing the smiles light up their faces, and to others is being able to help them up as they fall, and the rest will just smile at you as you’ve fallen, just loving the feel of you standing once again back on your own. Feeling pompous that you can do it on your own, but still you adore the fact they are near you, even when they didn’t help. Its just that concerned look for a splitting second they had on their faces as you fell makes the whole world seem a better place. -Doesn’t it?

Also love is that lotion your rub your wounds with and make them feel like they never were, or it could leave a scar never to forget. It all depends on how you work that feeling you have for your partner in love. I for one am a person that cant tolerate my believes, yes its stubborn of me being that; but I just cant change cause all my life was built up on that foundation. Yes I do forgive, but I just can’t put a broken jar back on display. I’d cherish it, but the fact that it broke regardless of how or when… its just broken. Even if it broke in the process of loving me, I can’t go past the fact it intervened with my moment of rumble in spite of all those warning signs I put on the road.

Now picture this. I as whom ever I am feel this is true. What's mine is mine, and I share it only if the time was right. And if you pull on one end of the line forcing to share with me I’ll just pull even stronger to not give it away. I just can’t be forced into something I don’t believe in, regardless of how wrong I am. you just cant push yourself like that. It doesn’t work that way in my world. I told you I was stubborn, maybe even beyond that word is who I truly am. But i do let you in slowly; don’t push your self in my world as if you have all the answers to all my questions and troubles, you don’t know how to fix my world just yet. Take those baby steps with me.. -Why couldn’t you?

If I were a mechanic, and you were an artist, meaning we come from different worlds and beliefs you and I. and this machine I’m working on starts its rumble again, let me fix it on my own, I’ll share it with you eventually. It needs you to learn how to use it first, understand it. Like a sports car, every one knows how to drive on an empty road, but what happens when you face traffic, or even if you needed to take a hard right on the coming corner? You haven’t been trained to do that on my machine this soon.
I warned you that it breaks and asked you to stay away the first it broke around you, then I held your hand walking you through your second lesson and asked you to come closer behind that safety glass i call technology to observe how it gets fixed, how much time it needs how slow and steady it needs to run.. I was teaching you the second step in dealing with my machine. But like a child, you took a deep breath in and all you did was fill your self with confidence and forced your jump onto that driver’s seat thinking you are ready to deal with this gigantic mechanism of rage within me. Though I warned so many times not to do that but ignored all my signs and held my huge steering wheel with your little hands and your feet couldn’t even reach the breaks. Like a five year old, you rammed me into a wall, not knowing what all those buttons to your side were for, it was for your next step to learn how to use.. if only you’d waited bas shway kaman!!
-You broke me when I needed to show you how I function. You broke me when you were superfluous with courage and assurance that you can drive me to safety. I tried warning you, I gave you a way to observe me handle myself, but you abused your rank, your title, your power! Now the damage is done, its beyond repair. I saw you handle my machine, I felt you pushing down on the peddle till it screamed for you to stop, and without you knowing it’s the one next to it that you’re supposed to be approaching. I can’t do anything about it now, nor could you.

If you were my child and damaged my car with that love of proving your self to your father; I’d still grunt but love you the same only this time be cautious of you around my machine. But you are… a lover.. not a child.. and I cant handle your damage anymore.. I’ll love you like I promised I would, but on a different level this time. I’ll keep that broken urn inside of me, keep it safe in me and look into it whenever I miss its touch. But I can’t work with it anymore. It’s far beyond repair now. And I keep it, for one sole reason;

"That it be, it tried not to hurt, but fix me..."

Two faces I can never forget (1)

2006-11-12T15:38:00.000+03:00

Somewhere back in time,
Somewhere when reality and fantasy collide to become one
i used to have a dream
a dream I am ready to share

The wind is cool outside, its almost deep blue all over the skies; you could almost see the moon resting next to the new day’s sun. it was when you feel warm inside and feel the breeze knocking on your window waiting for you to play. She was six years old when all that happened. A child so divine and thought all was fine.

She used to run with joy all around the house, knocking on all the doors and shouting”C’mon Sleepy heads, Get up get uppp…!”. It was a weekend that day, and fueled with energy she was that dreadful day. She ran into her father’s bedroom and placed a little kiss on his cheek that morning, that awful morning. She whispered into his ears, “Daddy I love you” she saw him cracking a smile on his trenched out face signaling a conformation to his beloved child. She gave off a small giggle and as he reached to her little arm to kiss, she gave off an angelic chuckle as she danced with joy out that door.

Now she runs with morning tunes hummed out her little lips when she cruised around where she called home. She finds her baby brothers room, silently she smiles as she slowly opens the door. She didn’t want to wake her mother nor her beloved brother, not knowing it’s the last day for smiles to come around this happy home. Wrapped up with love her baby brother was that morning, when it was cold outside and warm in their hearts, her mother welcomes her with a morning smile and waves to her 'come closer'.

UPDATE!!

Now as the day started with a little girls pure spirit of rain, she awaits her family at the kitchen table. She fixes up herself a bowl of cereal and looks out the window as the little bits of food crunch under her baby teeth. She looks beyond her reflection on the window and wishes secretly that all coming days will be just the same.

She spots a deer, it’s the first she’d ever seen all those long months of winter. “Spring is here, its here…” she shouts and looks behind her as she point to the deer outside. Her mother smiles and starts to remember that promise she made to her daughter as she storied her to sleep one cold night. “Is dad taking me hunting today?” she asks with a smile plastered on her little face. “Yes, I guess its time, now run to the closet and put on your yellow rain coat Mona!” Dancing with a heart filled with love and happiness Mona was this morning.

Now her father comes down the stairs and looks bluntly at the mother secretly telling her “but she’s too young!”. She smiles back knowing what his eyes had to say. “C’mon Mona, before the sun comes up too high” she’s right behind him ready willing and able. She pulls on his coat signaling that its him everyone is waiting for. Now Mona’s father looks at his wife and tells her that since its her idea to let them out this early, its only fair if she made them a picnic set for all the family to enjoy at lunch time. She laughs so hard and excuses with Ibrahim might catch a cold this early time of spring. After this little push and pull of thoughts they settle that only this time Mona get the glory on her own.

She and her father left home and saw her mother wave at them with love warming the air around Mona. She could never forget that face of her mother waving at them with a smile from the house’s porch. Now as they enter the woods, the lesson starts.

You could have a thousand thoughts of why couldn’t she forget her mothers face, but will never guess what happened. Yes it was the last she ever smiled as she waved at her husband and child…. But still you won’t ever guess what went wrong... or right!!

On a scale from one to ten, let me know how much are you into knowing what went on next?

Contemplating on contemplation…

2006-11-04T21:11:00.000+03:00

Repulsion:
It’s a lost feeling of love or likening, maybe more, but for a fact its loss of attraction. It doesn’t mean it’s all gone and had wasted away, attraction is still there but it’s too small for it being noticed. Usually this feeling hits you when you’re on the verge of going insane for someone or something. It’s been said before, that being a genius is just a small push away from being insane. So there you have it, repulsion and attraction both revolve on the same “wheel of attraction” and both are so close to one another almost forming a circle of their own. But being able to just stay on the ultimately high and safe side of the attraction side of the wheel is harder then you imagine can be done. It’s a feeling uncontrolled by your mind though you try ever so hard convincing your self that you are in control while deep down in your mind you know none of this is true. It’s more like a plane soaring over clouds and a small turbulence in the air could blow you heading straight to the gravity sucking you down under.

It’s always when everything runs smoothly in your life you find the unexpected waiting for you to feel comfortable till it’s the perfict timing for it to smack right in the face. It’s like she, uncertainty, enjoys the surprised look on your face as she comes when you least expect it. She’s addicted to that flow of adrenalin you pump in the last minute to save your crashing plane from certain destruction. Though she’s mean sometimes but she isn’t a total bitch. She sometimes opens your eyes to some things you’ve been missing for so long and had no idea what exactly were they till then. See, she also helps you realize sometimes where you stand in life. How people see you, feel you, and understand you. But again, it might just be the adrenalin flow what turns her on and not the consequences that follow.

I for one believed for so long, and still do, that what ever comes barging in your life, no matter how bad or good it may be, it is there to teach you more about life. True you can’t live long enough to learn from mistakes, but sometimes you need to fall on your knee and budge it out of place to truly appreciate what life brings to you next.

Now on a more intense note;
You, as only being human sometimes find your self drifting with the flow of things around you. Intentionally or irrationally, you try to express your feelings and thoughts in a way of body language and actions sometimes, which only makes you think of today and nothing of what tomorrow has up its sleeve for you. Sometimes friendship, love-ship, brotherhood, childhood, what ever it maybe, you are in a course of a relationship, and this relationship sometimes demands its feelings, forces you into some twists and curves that could turn your life around.

Still you agree with me? Good. During this course of relationship sometimes you excuse your self into opening different doors of knowledge or experience for example. Things you never tried how they felt like before in your life and only heard so much about. Still I haven’t gotten to the part of right and wrong / good or bad just yet. But say when in love you offer more then you can sometimes, in terms of your brain, time, and heart. Friendship comes with a few demands too. But being in a relationship that never existed on any level of society here or there is just sick on its own. It’s your actions that define who you are, not your thoughts or how you feel about something or someone, actions classify where you stand among breathing creatures.

If I’m in love I might have sex, if we’re friends we’d make out, if we’re brothers we’d hug, but if I don’t know you and nothing blends us together in the same mix of some kind of relationship or livelihood, why should I take your number, why should I offer you more then a smile and a handshake, or even worse, why should I be spending my time and energy hanging around you when I know that everything about you disgusts me?

Yes love is blind, and sometimes it gets the best of us, but you feel it and I feel it too. This I’m talking about was nothing even close to a rational relationship, love, admiration, or even as small as attraction. That relation was more like fungus growing between your toes!

I don’t judge because I myself don’t like being judged not even by family or friends. What's done is done. No one living on this earth or any other planet has the right to judge me or you, if god only judges you when you’re dead, so what gives us the right to do so? But even though it’s neither a judgment nor a ruling, a scar is there, right beside your name. Now even though some excuses are more acceptable than others like “the heat of the moment” or “I was blinded by love” or “confusion got the best of me” which ultimately happens once or twice in the course of a relationship just for the “know how” of the new things introduced to us by our partner, but that’s it, after that rumble of feelings, that ache for experience, you know and are sure of how you carry on from there. But carrying on for over a year doing the same repulsive act over and over again when no true feelings were there from the start is just plain idiotic. Though they scar you for life but if there were feelings of love flourishing in the air, aroma of that sweet body you hugged and kissed so many times you know then deep inside of you that you won’t regret having that experience from that someone you trusted, liked, or loved so very much. Even sometimes if it were abusing your right as a lover, it’s all forgiven and forgotten as long as there was a feeling of pure sinless pleasure covering up all your doing under a pink coverlet called love!

I don’t know how to finish this post; I have too much to say and not enough words to translate my thoughts into sentences without hurting anymore. I guess I’ll finish it here.

Obligation

2006-11-03T21:44:00.000+03:00

Sometimes it's something that we like doing, something we always fancied of creating. Well until one day someone asks you to do that thing you love so much. And make your pinkish dream go hazy, and a flock of big black birds start to show on the horizon, black clouds filled with thunder start shimmering in your head.

Well, on a brighter note, I'm not a social person all that much, I mean I sometimes, but I just hate it when people start telling me what to do with my life or how to fix an obvious problem. God that goes double when I just try to vent out and really am not interested with the solution proposed.
What's that you say? Am I too hard to get along with? Well guess what, you just won the jackpot.

Another thing about obligation, friendship is one. Sometimes when you have that friend that once on an intimate moment opens his heart and spills his guts to you. Now without saying a word, you know you are obligated to making him feel better, also not to breath as much of a word to anyone about that little thorn in your friends foot.
Sometimes even if you decide you don’t want to be friends no more, you cant help but feel you are obligated to pull him through his time of hardship, and that goes double if you were related!

Obligation is something we don’t choose, its something thrown at us, we feel it so heavy no matter how much we enjoy it. Like if your father gave you a real kick ass amount of money and goes, get me something stylish, something that says me.. well obligation kicks you right in the ass. You would make a thousand better choices if you were on your own, but now that its obligated, dictated and responsibility overthrown to your face. You just cant do it no more!

Another thing about obligation. It makes you look bad when you're not up to it. Like tonight we had two meetings with two groups of two deferent projects. yep you guessed it, no one showed up! Was it a choice, or was it the obligation that made them run frightened like little ducks covered with yellow colors of being scared..

Okay so this is just another brain fart, not even venting out, really you seem to like waiting your time with my crappy life!!
Okay I rest my case now, I'm distracted beyond man kind has ever been to, some might know and others might have no clue. But I promise you, I'll do my best to being more interesting next time… I'm sorry I made you read this… okay I'll shut up now!

I despise women like you..

2006-10-24T20:56:00.000+03:00

Since almost everyone I know is talking about what they hate, well, let me talk bout one thing I loathe. I can’t stand a woman thinking she can stand on her own, and I don’t mean they need me in their lives, but you cant despise men just for the fun of it. Well yes you can live on your own, but for gods sake, you cant live without a man anywhere in your life. Yes you were conceived by a man, will get married to one, and if we are so unlucky, you will be a mother of one also.

For now tell me why do you think what you think if your father is a fucked up drunk and shoves marshmallows up your mothers crouch. And if you were molested by your grandfather, do you think all men did the same to their children. Your friends’ father insisted to marring her to a 70+ yrld man, do you consider us all being filled with greed. Your brother made you pose nude in a photo shoot, do you think we really are all that sick. Honestly, if the men in your life were sick in the brain, PUHlease, don’t stereo type us all as one like those in your messed up family, and for gods sake, bad info spreads like a disease, or flame in a parched forest, so if people talk to you little rebel, its not cos you are smart and stylish and Waaaay cooler then the nerdy girls. No! Not at all. It’s just because you’re a small brained, fucked up mutineer. Simply that’s why!

The truth is we men in Arabia are emotional, well yes; your boyfriend was an ass because you allowed him to. But the rest of us really are normal loving people. I for one believed for very long that girls were angels till I was about 20 of age. It’s when I got my ultimate shock, women are such bad liars, and needy in a way they’d kill for what they don’t have and also are excessive abusers for those whom love them. Well I’m talking from a one time mistake, and yet again I am stereo typing. But do you see me holding red flags, throwing flyers of hatred, rumbling of how bitchs you people are or do I start burning houses down, and rape women on the streets?? No, I’m just more careful with whom I trust.

I lived all my life with my family under one roof where my mother was a saint and forgiving not only to my fathers mistakes, but even supportive when the family had its downfall. Honestly, not my father nor could we have survived without the love and supremacy my mother gave to this family. And yet, she has wrong judgments about most things, or puts me down sometimes when I’m thrilled to show her something. But I don’t rail against women cos I simply don’t like my mother. See I not like you haven’t lost hope yet in humanity… was that too hard for your little brain to understand, let me break it down for your sophisticated rebelling ass. I have not lost hope on all members of the other sex just yet; I just despise ones like you! Clear enough?

So in base, if any of you girls are feminists, for the love of civilization, please become lesbians and stop nagging on what dicks men are! We will worship you if you have self-respect left in you; even a drop of it will do fine. But other than that, don’t expect us to change your minds about us. You’re more of a lost cause. And I really hope you get extinct real soon Cos in a few years we’ll be shouting for men’s rights if you feminists keep this going on any further, but hey, its not existence threatening, we got the real dicks that work!

PS: I am not telling to shut up and shove your shit down your mouth, I’m just telling you if you have no morals, then I totally agree with every little thing you don’t consider to be wrong!

Contemplating thinking about thinking…

2006-10-23T15:57:00.000+03:00

So basically what ticks you off is not knowing a reason for living life itself. So here I am grouching and grumping with grumbles that life is mean. Well its not all that mean, its just that I’ve lost focus or fell off track for a while there. I need to have a goal or hobby to rest for a while in that oasis where I know where I’m heading and sit down contemplating about what I’ve achieved so far, not done but achieved.

So far what's kept me from going insane was the book I was working on, yes its not master piece, but hey, I wanted to do something and I’ve done something about it. I found it my spa, my resting place when all the hectic work of the day has gotten me beat up as the day comes to retire. My achievement may not be the hobby as much as the need for closure, but nevertheless i kicked off my boots and found my self resting on a sofa while I worked. It kept a smile on my face, and no matter how bad or dark the day was, and even how silly my friends or their remarks were, I was able to absorb the revulsion in me.

So now, as my volcano starts to reside, and as closures’ been found. I need to take on something new in my life. An oasis to rest from my daily war with life, a happy place I can be my own.

So if you do have any ideas?!

Standing out

2006-10-22T15:10:00.000+03:00

Unique, being different or special is not always a good thing. I know I don’t fit in any society easily, I know that I tend to be lost most of the time in my head. I don’t know what's right or wrong anymore, its like everything around me is crashing down, it’s crumbling like a mad set of rocks shooting from the sky.

Been said what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. And I’m not hanging my dirty laundry just yet, but here’s a taste of life in me. I love my family, and I adore my friends, I don’t know how to be friendly with any of them, though I lounge for friendliness I can’t be a good friend myself, we always end up in a fight, or at least that’s how it feels to me. The thing is, when I hear a bad thing about someone, it somehow grows into me until I myself start to believe it’s true. No matter how small or stupid it may be, it grows. Well not just that, I start blaming myself for what an idiot I’ve been believe they were good, and i lose the belief of an existing second chance. Oh and here is something that really busts my day. Those whom I love and trust the most, basically my family, when they start the family war I tend to get lost in all the commotion and not know whom should I trust nor like anymore. I know I should love them all equally but I do not agree with most of the things they say or tend to believe about one another. Even if everyone was polite, and smiles were shining everywhere, my brain actually sees a food fight going in the room. I’m sick of living with two personalities in me, I just dont know what’s real anymore. I know it sounds screwed up but The truth is, I love my family, and its not them that need mental help, its me, but it sometimes hurts to love someone that your brains or personalities just don’t seem to click.

Don’t pity me; your family is allot more screwed up than mine!

Eid Mubarak

2006-10-21T07:36:00.000+03:00

Like every other thing in this world, Ramadhan comes to an end. So today is our last day, tomorrow is Eid. Well sure ur supposed to be excited and thrilled. You’ll be meeting all your family and friends, people you fought with will come visit and put a smile on your face again. Yes it’s the holidays that bring us out of the rush of life into a calmer state of panic. Well yeah, everyone panics when doing something, and being relaxed is really not what it is,, its actually panicking allot less then normal!

Anyhow, at home its been hectic ever since I cam back from university. Everything seemed going in a chaotic manner. But alas, my father came back last night. Haven’t seen him for some time, and if he’d been gone any longer I’d tell my mother to carry a shot gun and find who’s he cheating on her with.
Yeah I’m still not shifting into the eid spirit as you see. Something is wrong with me,, Something’s gone real wrong with me, its like I’ve lost a cylinder off my engines since summer. I used to be more joyful and allot more good with focusing with things on hand. Somehow, I’ve changed, I just hope it’s a phase, or perhaps a transmission into a new stage of life is being jammed in my head. I have to change, I really need to.

Okay so enough about me, Eid is on Sunday, any new plans? So far our plans consist of the first day, stay and greet people, second day, go to the farm and start a barbeque fiesta with some friends and family members, day number three, me and my brothers are allowed to go visit our own friends, just at night time. Well there you have it, it’s a three day eid, and we got plans. Now I jus wonder how much do we stick to schedule this time!

I really don’t know why you people read this, I’m sick in the brain, loosing focus and I will kick ass whom ever feels pity for me!

So I’m distracted, lost, with no hope of ever waking up! I just wish all you people happy holidays!

Leo's gone international

2006-10-17T20:03:00.000+03:00

So I check my email like every other day, Umm.. nope! Its not like any other, I found a chick asking if I were a nutcase in my inbox, and guess what she's from France,, so anyways here's the mail..

She@herEmail.fr wrote:
Hi,

I am a girl writting to you from France. I read the BBC site everyday and there I found the article about Saudi blogs, so I just followed the links. From what I have read on your site, I have an impression that you are a quite upset person for the moment. Why?

I haven't ever been to Saudi Arabia, I guess it has nothing to do with Dubai. I would actually like to live for some time in this city.

Regards,

-----

So now I start having doubts, could she be one of those French FBI agents that want to find a terrorist and get rewarded for pinning me into some crazy shit?
yeah whatever she's French so she must be hot!So here I grab my cool and shake the money maker...

i'm representing the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia baby!

-----

Well hey,
Hope France is amazing around you this time of year. It's fine down here in Saudi. Well I'm glad that you stumbled across my blog, and thrilled that you followed the BBC links to find more about Saudi bloggers. Well honestly, Saudi isn't quite depressing as I may have seemed to give the impression that it is, nor am I a troubled person either. I just post what's on my mind down in the blogosphere, nothing more. and yes you are quite correct, Dubai is allot deferent than Saudi, for one, Saudi is one huge country compared to the UAE, and another thing Saudi depends on natural oil resources when Dubai UAE mostly depends on tourism and business as an economy resource.

I'm sure you will find both countries stunning differently as you come visit. I look forward to corresponding with you more.

Leo.

PS: would you be kind enough to send me the links you found on BBC and followed, thank you!

------

okay so she might not be hot, she might not be a French pinkpanther FBI agent, she's just a normal person that wants to know what's so wrong in this country..
who cares, i'm on BBC!! well its about time, Faroha and Dotson, so as Saudi-eve beat me to it, buI hey i had faith! *winks hardly*

have a leomastic day yall.

Whats the fuck with Leo?

2006-10-16T07:40:00.000+03:00

So here I am, and the day of my post has come, thankfully I waited this long to post. I’m allot cooler now, almost like 90% of rage is still left in me. I did write something down to post, but made a word check, I found out I used the word fuck 42 times between 453 words. So that counts for allot.

Anyways, I know I fell off the planet for a while back there, but hey, we all got reasons.

So how about I tell u a little story of Leomastic’s start of rage, but let me warn you, this doesnt concern you at all, so dont waist ur time reading…

One day almost the middle of September Leo changed his room in the dormitory. So having the artistic stoke he believes in, Leo decided to paint his room. The window wall is set to be bamboo green and the other two walls Fairouza blue. So what happened to the fourth wall you ask? Well it has a wooden door and two closets on the sides. So basically there isn’t enough space to paint on, just some touches here and there. Anyhow, that’s not the point, what I want to get to is, that a kid Leo knew kept giving cheesy comments on how crappy Leo’s taste is, how poor his painting skills are, and what a mess his room is going to look like. So Leo kinda took it personally after several repeated attempts. So finally, a week later it was ready to be lived in, Leo brought everything he could find at home and fixed up his room to stun. He admired how the room has turned from a nuthouse white walls into a honeymoon sweet.

Days passed by, and Leo got the flu, ramadhan was three days in at the time. So almost all his friends commented what crappy fasting he was doing, "ur supposed to be up and pray", Leo tried to explain, but no one listened until the little kid came back to visit Leo and wish him well. So Leo wanted to brag abit about his room with faded light from a nightstand. The kid looked all over and was like "mashAllah, it turned up to be very nice", so Leo felt that comfort within, but he couldn’t accept it till he made certain that the Leo was right and the kid wasn’t. so Leo asked again, honestly what do you think? The kid again came back and was, "well if it were my choice I wouldn’t even come close to choosing these colors!"Well, now its part Leo’s fault. He shouldn’t have pushed it, Leo should’ve bit his tong and just smiled back after the first reply! So now Leo get to feel pissed off himself, he is ill and everything seems to be a big deal. oh yeah and go the wrong direction, so here is where the true rage starts building up.

Every single day of ramadhan people were calling Leo, and Leo still couldn’t recover fully from the flu. Though he wanted to be left alone and just have a couple of bites, but everyone thought it was their job to cheer him up! WRONGE!

Anyhow, he kept quiet for an hour after fotoor till he could speak again, cos he knew he was just spit at their faces poisoned talk though they were doing good. So he just sat in silence.

“Cmon, don’t be a baby,, move ur but, and lets go desert cruising” time is 1am. “No I’m still too weak,” time is 1:45am.. they left….

The next day, “MOVE IT, don’t be such a baby about it” sure fine, Leo couldn’t bare a second over the 15 minute nag! His cousin paid for Leo to return after eid. In the desert, its 2 in the am, and every five minutes his buds lose his tag, he comes back just to find out there is no real use of him being there, so he starts to wonder, “why the fuck did they nag for two whole days!” 20 more minutes to the hour, he flips over a sand hill and loses his glasses. Brings back the bike to the shop and starts looking for his glasses. Well his cousin and friend just parked the bikes up the hill and beamed down the lights at the search space! He tells them, "ur waiting is costing u money, let me search alone and when ur done help me out." Again, both of them refuse, as gesturing they are good friends of his and start going up and down the hill in order to help find them. He tells them, "don’t break the trail, I don’t want to lose the place I fell on." Still, Vroom Vroom up and down! As if they are helping find them!
He goes back to the parked car in fumed rage and its almost 3am.

Now he tried to unlock the door, but this copied key don’t seem to work, he waits, they are done and Voila, here they come. “Are you okay” his cousin asks, “fuck off, u see me walking don’t u!” of course Leo is just fumed over him braking the trail nothing more. They stop at a grocer’s, “anything?!” “No, I’m fine, just get me back to shower and will someone please pump up the volume?” now Moe is driving, and the cousin is next to him, Leo wanted to sit in the back next to the subwoofer to ship into the music. So now Moe pumps the volume, and the cousin has a question so he lowers it back down down again. Once twice, almost 13 times this happened. Leo was raging even more, “Fuck man, will you at least give me the joy of listing to something other then ur ridicules blabbers!” now they are almost at the university gates. Two minutes of music, and half an hour of meaningless talks!

Fine, a couple of days pass by and now the homework needs to be submitted, Leo is done since last week when he had the flu. So now everyone wants to copy it. even Moe, leo's good friend was like “what are you crazy?! How could you give me the flash stick without the homework?” “listen fucker! I put in the files you could use for the project, you copied my proposal and i said nothing, and now you want the exact same solution as mine?! Fuck off” so he goes like, “ I’m coming, want me to grab you anything from outside?” WTF?!!!

Though he is a good friend of Leo’s but C’mon, have some decency bro. he offered to teach you how its done, but no u wanted the whole thing ready for ur disposal. It’s the last week before the eid break, and the whole university is going crazy. Its time to evaluate ur courses, midterms and major exams, proposals drop from the sky, quizzes need to be studied for, and home works are in tow! Its mayhem! And even though Leo made it clear he doenst need any distractions, you come and force ur self?

Anyways, the next day another student was next to Leo when he handed in the homework, and wanted a copy. “fine, I’ll meet u after class”. Class is done and four more are smiling at Leo as he entered the room! “Great now the teacher wont ever believe its my work not anyone else’s!” “12 people already have my homework, what difference would four more do?” now they find the proposal done and want a piece of that cake aswell. Fine do ur own copy, they fought with Leo, as if they were too busy to make a copy, so Leo told them it’s a take it or fuck-off offer! Well, they took it and each made a copy of his own!

Depressed Leo was that Monday. He called his cousin and told him remember Azeez, well he invites you personally for fotoor tonight. “Why, where, what about his family, then food is from outside, ..” Leomastic went ballistic and told him “listen, don’t make an excuse after every question, u coming or not??.... fine when you change ur mind let me know” bang the line cuts from Leo’s side. Now he starts to excuse his reactions, Leo was just looking over his cousin, for the past three days, his younger cousin is preoccupied, well Leo is jus watching out for him, but you cant be all that picky, either yes or no! seriously what the fuck? Also, the day wasn’t going so well, Leo lost his glasses and cant use his contacts as he wakes up, so he cant see jack at class time!, sixteen people copy his homework, some even try to be funny about it and jus show up at the door step squeezing cheeks and baboo faces. And now his cousin is being bitchy about Leo’s friend that’s inviting him!

Later this same day, actually a couple hours later, Leo’s on the phone arguing with his mum with some home affaires. He’s parked in a space behind the main road covered with trees. A car comes exactly behind him and honks as if his mother were dying! So he looks back, “great, the funny guy from last night!” Leo gives them way, and still they come beside his window. Now the argument with his mum is getting intense. He signals for them to go and he’ll follow them to Azeez’s place, and then as he turns his back to them he notices that they ignore and laugh or some shit. Now Leo is dying for a cigarette, its almost time and he’s surrounded with troubles all over. The funny guy " Moe" opens the door and gets ready to wave to his friend "Goodbye i'm with Leo". Leo shoves him back out again and locks up the doors from the inside and evil eyes his friend. Now a strong knock on the window followed with a shout” HEY!” distracts Leo from his family call again. Now Leo is ready to kick the devils ass and couldn’t care less for life. “this guy annoyed me twice to go desert biking, copies my exact same project proposal, and comes in to force him self into taking the homework and now this!!!” Leo talks to himself. Now as he evil eyes him and gets ready to pump adrenaline to the inside walls of his body he remembers important stuff. “Well this guy always called to check on me if had plans for fotoor or he’d ask me to come over, not a day passed he forgot. This guy always called to check on me if I needed anything as he came back to the university, he always volunteered to help out in any problem i faced and gave me solutions, always smiles to people and salutes them no matter how small or big they are! Now why would I want to fuck him up again?! Too late i’m at his face” so Leo shouts out hot air and rides his car again. Sends out messages, "thanks for the invite but I cant make it," shuts his phone and gets ready to study for his exam tomorrow. Now its 9pm, he opens his mobile to apologize to Moe, and as he composes he receives “the exam has been canceled” good news right? WRONG AGAIN! he wants to leave this very momet to his family but too late, he already arraigned with people to leave with him on Wednesday, and a guy he’s been after for a month now still owes Leo some money! So he receives a message from Moe, telling him not to apologize, and its his fault then asks if Leo had fotoor yet!

Great, the money guy’s phone is closed, and no one is answering from his friends. Tomorrow comes and still closed phones and no answers! Fuck it, its time to leave. Around fotoor its that tuesday and yet no one asked if Leo was alive, no one called for fotoor, so his frustration kicks back in. “I don’t fucken need anyone!” now he arrives home and finds home a mess, his younger brother not giving a fuck and invites friends over for sleepover’s and some even showered under the outside garden hose! “WTF bro! cant you see ur mother and sister are locked in the house for no sane reason? Ur father didn’t die now did he?” no he didn’t, but it sure seemed like it. Leo’s house is located beside the hottest street in town, so all his little brother’s friends on dirt bikes running away from cops found cover in leo's house. ..

Here it self is a start of a new story, its enough I bothered you with this,, its just for those whom I’ve been an ass with, i hope they would understand I cant function well under stress! So don’t vote me as a doctor!

--------------->>

yeah i also forgot to mention the guys from the group i lead didnt show up untill i told them i would hand in a blank proposal, not blank, i would write down in LARGE red the word "blank" smacked right in the middle... it happened the same weekend i lost my glasses on!

Right, and add to that, i had no time to talk with sara, and what bugged me the most was that even i couldn’t talk with her, she didnt call me either, or atleast signal me to call.. so there you have it,, that and a little more has been spicing up my life lately…

On My Summer Break!

2006-08-21T18:57:00.000+04:00

outside the airplane window the clouds are thick and rippled, unbroken as acers of land. They are suffused with peach-colored, early morning sun, gilded at the edges. Across the Isle a man is taking a picture of them. Even the pilot couldn't keep still, "Folks!" he just said, "We've got quite a sunrise out there. Might want to have a look" i like it when pilots make such small comments, it lets me know they are awake.

Whenever i see a sight like these clouds, i think maybe everyone is wrong, maybe the laws of physics have changed, we should try walking on clouds like angels would. Everyone on the plain would sit for a rest over a could and point houses far far away down there. How Proud we would suddenly feel about where we live, how tender towards everything that's ours.

You know that could just be true, it would have happened, but only we came by car. My brothers and I did very much enjoy the drive. So this little piece of mind is from a book called "What we keep" by Elizabeth Berg. Its been pending on my shelve of the doing list for very long now, so i guess i owe Miss Elizabeth that much. Plus the scenery is amazing out from my room window up on the Syrian Mountains, yeah I'm In bloodan, Syria, right on the Lebanese boarder.. its fascinating and you all are invited to come visit.

Life!

2006-08-14T02:12:00.000+04:00

“life passes most people by when they are busy making grand plans for it. throughout my lifetime i've left pieces of my heart here and there. and now, there is almost barely enough to stay alive. but i force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door." -g. jung

Its such a fascinating gift, why do we waist it to rebel on one another? Life is fair its us that chose to see it unjust. She, life, is filled with good and bad people, who knows who are we? Its not us who define if we are good or bad, its how the people perceive us. If they think we are good, well excellent, and we should be proud of being thought of that way. But if people see us being bad in a way or everything else, well we have a choice now, we could try to work hard on improving our selves, or we just ignoring that one or two thoughts on us and stick with the tens and thousands of people who believe in us being good.

Ultimately we all are good from the inside and we know we are, but here is the thing I truly believe in.. you never need to explain your self, because your friends don’t need explanations and your enemies wont believe you anyways, so why bother?

To finish up this post, life does go on, but it ends eventually. So why fight this and hurt that and hate some and dislike others.. we all are just visitors on this earth we walk on, and as we leave let us be remembered with a smile drown on the faces of those who believed in our true goodness and saw the inner qualities. And as for those who didn’t take the chance to know us better, let them draw a frown on their faces bite their lips and fingers for not taking the time to know us for who we really are. Eventually everyone will feel the empty space we leave behind. Be a good guest in this life, behave your self, be polite and urged to visit again..

Mona this my post to you, so there you go..
Love,
me.

Super!

2006-08-08T11:34:00.000+04:00

So here I am summer is almost over and I haven’t achieved anything yet. Well on the personal goals level I mean, but here’s the thing I did manage to do. I got a girl going crazy about me! Yeah super Sara.. Oh shut up will ya, I’m not full of my self, I just eat allot lately..

Anyways so here’s what I’m about to say. Life sometimes comes with a twist, just when you think life isn’t worth living for anymore, something swooping around the corner is waiting for you.. so who is Sara? People give me a chance to explain, I’m not your average loser, I’m a super loser dude.. so hang on for a sec.

Well, she’s someone that I never thought I would ever come across, the cutest person ever and the most forgiving.. she cries in a blink then gets back on her feet again as your eye blinks its second. Well that’s not babyish,, that’s kinda like a turn on. Right? Or am I jus weird.. lol I knew it..

I don’t know how long will she be in this brainless stage of loving me, but I sure do hope she never wakes up one morning look into the mirror and go “OH MY GOD!! WTF!!” ya know??!@!$#@!$

Hey I’m not all that bad, but one thing life taught me,, well the hard way it seems.. never have high expectations,, if ur up so high,, u WILL get disappointed,, but as you keepem low,, the happier you are even if you smell like tuna!

Well ,,,, life sux,, but not for now at least!!

Yeah PS, how do you like my new décor?
- Rocks, Don’t it?!!! :)

Angelic Heart,

2006-07-30T03:20:00.000+04:00

Think about today, but just don’t forget that you live it simply because you survived yesterday. Now this isn’t just another brain fart, no not at all. This is a fact you chose to believe or just dismiss... really its all up to you…

So I’ve been crushed by life and I do believe for a very long time I’ve lived in a time zone I call a “plastic era”. It’s when reality and fantasy collide and clash into one another so deep till you don’t know what's real anymore. And for so long I’ve lived it in my head, but now that I found this dazzling girl that pulled out her hand to welcome me back into reality once again. But I, with panic and fear of being loved again refused her from my heart and shouted so loud deep in my brain, “you are not real… I cant, I just cant do it anymore” bit her brutally and bitterly last night, or at least when you read this it will be.

It all started with a childish act of love that I had no idea would flourish this huge and this beautiful in such short time. No idea at all. Sara, someone that you never met quite yet, told me she was pretty fond of me, and I liked being loved by her, well honestly I thought any love would do,, but no! hers was special. It had that flavor I so much longed for.

Sometimes its scary to fall back in love, especially when you have exhausted all your feelings for a person you sometimes don’t know if ever did exist. And I really don’t know if she did, though I do have rawan to tell me Noura was real,, she saw her and shook hands with her. I never did see Noura, well with my own eye.. I might not even recognize her if she were a nose distance away from my eye. But hell, She exhausted all my love for a very long time.

Sara comes in the picture about a month ago and offers me love, that same exact brother of the love I held on for so long to Noura. It scares me to believe she really does exist, sara I mean. Again, but how could this be so true, how could this be, I thought for very long my love for Noura was unique and undefeatable, but yet she sara proves me wrong. So if you do see and follow my story all the way you might come to a decent understanding…

We met, and she might be the only person I’ve met after a contact as an introduction. We went out and she expressed her love in the most bravura of ways. I saw it in her eyes, that love I’ve always looked and searched so hard for, though I dared not to stair into her eyes and shatter this expression of divine love she offers. She held my hand just like I wanted to be held by an angelic touch; she placed a gentile kiss on my messed up hairy face, and slapped my shoulder just like I fancied my lover to do so. She helped me feel she was not just another fictional story in my head, she showed me she was real. We left around nine that night… I felt so bad and really wanted to just drop and die… not that I hated or disliked, but rather I was scared, nothing but plain fear. Like I said we learn from yesterday, and yesterday wasn’t really a shine in love-land for me. So now as I see the mirrored image my love has I tend to believe that I’ve gone insane in a way and now I fight it. but come and tell me,, does the insane know he is going insane or does he believe that he lives in a more realistic life in his head he creates for him self. Could I have gone insane or just found an echo to my love…

That night,, as my feeling had worn out after two weeks of fighting this celestial love and passion.. I finally spoke…

I didn’t speak, but rather started a missile launch on her pink castle of love she welcomed me in. I was too afraid to fall back in love and even worse hurt her by love, or perhaps I was just selfish enough and only think of not wanting me to get hurt. I don’t know really, but I do like to believe I was protecting her from myself. She such a divine creation of god, how could I dare hurt such an angel of god’s creation on earth, this earth, just a few miles away from where I live. I told her this love could not be so real, and even worse might have a bitter ending, I don’t want to see you hurt specially by me, and spoke continually with this manner for over half an hour and she barely gave back a breath until I thought she left the phone and left me nagging to myself. But what I failed to relies is that I am hurting her now, and excused my self by telling her being hurt just in the start is allot less pain then the ending. However that may not always be true. Sometimes as a baby love is growing, any small slap could be its announcement of its end. I totally dismissed that fat and went on with my grunge for love. But she said something that woke me up. Decide what you want and then let me know. So true, I didn’t not know what I wanted, and that little word order of hers struck me like thunder in silence. What was I saying and what was I grumbling about, the girl does feel for me, and I just kick her back, am I an idiot or truly an insane person? What have I become to now?

We hung up and I did feel all this pain and sadness because of this war I’ve started on her, but even though, I did send her a message, an I didn’t want to rub it to her raw wounds, so I fell back. An hour later she was completely over it and gathered her strength and old me she had an obligation or engagement to attend to, and came to notify me not to beet myself up over her. She went and came back but hear this out, this time she only sent me a message telling she was falling asleep, usually we spoke even for a few minutes, but I guess she is stronger then what I took her for. And I’m happy for her, really I am. I just cant wait till tomorrow, I just wish she doesn’t hold a grudge against me the next morning.

bottom line, i fear to revenge my love thru her, and thats why i fear her loving me, or anyone for the matter..

a guy pretty messed up in the head!

كانت اللحظه الاخيره..

2006-07-24T15:09:00.000+04:00

كانت اللحظه الاخيره..

واسكنت فينى.. العواصف

كنت احس الدنيا صفراء..

تنتحر فيها العواطف..

يعنى راحل؟

كان هذا.. كل سؤال يحتوينى

ويرتمى داخل دموعي..

وينصهر ابصمت.. فينى

يعنى راحل؟

عن حياتى..

عن عيونى..

وذكرياتى..

وتارك احساسي وحيد..

بين هم..

وبين دمعه..

بين صوره..

والف شمعه..

تحترق فينى.. حبيبي

واحترق فيها اكيد..

كانت اللحظه الاخيره

وكنت احس.. العتمه كون

وأغرقت.. في العتمه ديره

وفي الصدر انهارت الدمعة

مشعبه حيل... وكثيره

وين كلمة احبك؟

وين عهدك لي.. دايم انا قربك؟

تذكر العهد.. ولا ناسي

لا تعيشنى....

في متاهات ومآسي

كل ماذكرت الى مضي..

انتشى سرب الحمام

وفي شفاهي...

تذبل ازهار الكلام..

لو اقول.. انى احبك

وش يفيد ....

وانت راحل

ما حكيت.. للورد سيره

عن صباحات اللقاء..

كان ذا العصفور يصدح..

في السماء..

وكل ما قلت.. احبك

فك من شعري.. ظفيره

ايه كبرت على ..احبك

وكنت اشوف الكلمة.. اسطوره

وانا فيها اميره ..

ما كنت ادري..

انها قصه قصيره..

تنتهي.. لو قلت راحل

كنت اشوف...

ابقربك الاحلام تكمل..

وبهجة الدنيا.. بعينى تكون اجمل

كم سوالف عشق.. حكتها العين

في وسط الزحام..

بعدك انت ذكرياتى ...

مجرد انقاض وحطام ..

وكانت اللحظه الاخيره..

وضاقت الدنيا الكبيره..

وانتهينا ....

وافضلت في الصدر.. جمله

وكانت الجمله الاخيره..

ليتك.. يوم قلت راحل

رجعت انا.. طفله صغيره

still dont know who's it for, but if ur into it, email me about it..

next post is about love!

In loving memory….

2006-06-30T20:09:00.000+04:00

Okay so I’m out of things to talk about or love to give. So I’ll tell you a little story of how I came on to the blogosphere. On a lonely summer(2005), I had nothing better to do then bug Sara with suicidal emails for weeks. She one day gave me a link to her blog, so I started reading and was actually fascinated with her words and dancing thoughts. She used to even post her drawings on almost every post she had. I wanted to follow her lead so I started blogging ever since. She used to glow down here on blogspot, but then one day, for some crazy reason, and without consulting with me, she decided to delete her blog! Blogger did seem empty for a very long while, but the good news I was out of my suicidal brain by then!

So here’s a post from Sara’s dead blog,”the devil squeaks”. One of brilliant posts I still have saved somewhere on my hard disk. Read it and enjoy every word as you go thru her brilliant thoughts!

Remember:

Sara's work is licensed under the CCL. Please direct any questions or concerns to her email "Silvershake@yahoo.com". Thank you.

==============================================

Turkish Coffee and a Secret

It was cold outside but I didn’t feel it. The moon was full but one dog bark was enough to remind me where I was. I pulled my black scarf over my head, walked up to her house and knocked on the door.

I went by my self...

***

Small but cozy, the room was dark and smelled like rosemary, dust and fresh Turkish coffee. Pictures of the Madonna hung on her wallpapered walls. The air was still and all was very quiet, inside and out. She - like the other stereotypes of her kind - owned a black cat; a black cat with green eyes. And as I sat by a small round table in the middle of the room, she went about lighting scented candles; the sort you’d buy from Wal-Mart.

Old but modern, her eyes were rimmed with thick, black kohl, which only enhanced the grey of her irises; warm and gentle but at the same time distant. Her grey eyes shook hands with my blue ones a long time ago; we had an unspoken understanding. She told me once I was her most difficult customer and at the time, I laughed. The only thing that’s changed since then is that this customer was now a friend.

We’d become friends and yet she still knew nothing of my life. I never spoke more than a couple of words together, inquiring after her health, her cat and the weather. She didn’t know if I was the only child or if I had siblings, she didn’t know if my parents were still together or not, she didn’t know whether or not I was still in school, if I had a man, what I did on the weekends, where I worked if I worked at all…

What she knew; however, was whatever she could make out of the stories my coffee cups would tell her.

***

“Trying to blend in with the night?” She said with a hint of an accent, nodding at the colour of my clothes as she placed a cup of Turkish coffee in front of me. She always said this to me. Her way of saying: hello little girl, it’s been a while.

She chuckled and sat in the chair opposite mine. Two seconds later she had lit and inhaled fifty percent of her cigarette. Her cat purred as it wound itself around her leg.

I nodded slowly, looking at the coffee cup, “I didn’t think I was going to come.” I said quietly. My way of saying: nice to see you again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her inhale what was left of her cigarette. And as I sipped my coffee, she spoke of parts of her life she wanted to talk about, parts she wanted me to know. But she always spoke in riddles. One thing always meant something else with her; double meanings, underlying meanings, meanings of meanings. It takes a lot of brainpower for one to try and decipher her sentences. But I was used to this. I knew her language. I knew what she was trying to really tell me. And I liked it.

Finishing my coffee, I turned the cup upside down placing it on its saucer – its handle facing me… Only then did I really look into her face. I saw wrinkles that mapped her life out for the world to see and the few who knew how to read it. Then, I smiled.

“It’s been a while little girl.” She smiled back showing off crooked teeth.

***

One hour later there was a cigarette between my lips, a tall glass of ice-cold water in front of me and her black cat on my lap purring away as though God has just made him king of the world.

With utmost concentration, the old woman sat, decoding whatever symbols and pictures she could make out on the inside walls of my coffee cup. She told me everything she saw: the bad, the good, and the generally, otherwise, unmentionable. Then, she stopped and sat back in her chair watching me closely for a minute longer than she normally did.

I said nothing. My face, a mask blocking everything in… but she knew this already. I shrugged.

“You’re always going to be difficult aren’t you, little girl?” She asked very quietly as she picked up my coffee cup and peered into it again.

I said nothing but put out my cigarette. The ashtray, a graveyard of nine dead cigarettes, accepted the tenth one.

“There’s a celebration,” she said.

“It’s not mine.” I told her grinning.

“No, it isn’t.” She said chuckling, “But yours is coming,” Her eyes sparkling.

“Granted,” I said, “but not for a while. A long while”

“You might be surprised. Don’t be cocky about it. Things happen when you least expect it to.” She said, never taking her eyes off the cup.

“Then perhaps I should keep expecting it to happen.” I said watching her cat who was now sprawled out shamelessly on my lap, purring like he’s just discovered how to do it.

“Hmm,” she said.

I leaned forward resting my elbow on the table and my chin on my hand, “Hmm?” I asked.

“There is… an…older man…” She said haltingly as though she couldn’t quite make out what it was she was looking at.

This is what I came here for, I thought. She looked up into my face. The simple gesture of raising a perfectly arched eyebrow was enough for her to carry on. She knew this is what I was here for. She told me everything she saw about this older man.

***

“Be good, little girl. And don’t worry,” was the last thing she said before shutting the door behind me. I’d thanked her for the coffee, her company and wished her well until the next time we’d meet.

It was now two hours and a half since I had arrived and I was now back in my car parked just outside her house. The scarf I wore going in was now sitting in a heap with my bag in the passenger seat…. I’m not superstitious and I’m not one who believes in tarot cards, palms readings, coffee cups, tealeaves and whatnot. But every now and then I enjoy thinking What if?.

I sat for a while just thinking about the old man in my cup. I felt a bit more relaxed. I didn't believe her; like I said, I don't believe in such things. But I liked what I heard so much that I desperately wanted to believe her...

My phone rang, scaring the living shit out of me. Time to go home.

Pulling out of her driveway, I turned on the radio only to hear Tito Nieves shout out what I was thinking, ”Yeah baby! I like it like that… I like it like that...“

And with a smile, I floored the gas leaving nothing but dust behind me.

posted by Sar at Sunday, June 26, 2005

Licensed under the CCL. Please direct any questions or concerns to the email provided. Thank you.

Psst, there's a roomer that she's coming back!!

King of this castle….

2006-06-22T18:25:00.000+04:00

Its not that I wanted to be
Its not that I chose me
It’s the people who placed this crown over my head
They placed it gently with a very wide smile spread
I am king, for today this is my kingdom
As far as you eye can sight
And as wide as your imagination could fight

So this one day I walk across
And find this grand creature..
I never did see you up-close
But I’ve always known you were the one

In my dreams
I kissed your lips, a thousand times
I held your hand tenderly, and placed a gentle kiss
I showed you my kingdom, and wanted you queen
You not only shut me out, you ripped my soul out
Now let me hold your hand close to my chest
Come closer, feel my empty cores
Feel this pointlessness, feel this pain
I feel nothing, my soul has gone numb
I am king of my castle, and I give up my life to you
I am king of this castle, and I die at your feet
I am a spec in this castle, this is what's your love’s done to me
How do you expect me to go on with life like this?
No point in loving you
And I can’t hurt you also

You’ve left me for the wolves
To feast on this cold, lonely night
Wasn’t I your silver armor?
Didn’t I slay your dragon?
How could you do this?

I cant live any longer with this pain
This hollowness, this emptiness is such a nasty game
Noura, I loved you once, and I love you still
How could your heart be cold as a rock?
How could you not remember how it felt like?

I was a child in loving you
The exact same child as you
I thought we could grow strong together
I thought we could live forever
Nothing seems to make any sense in my right head now,
Everything is scrambled forever now

Do I love you still?
Will you think of me?
Am I to live any longer?
Were we ever ment to be?
Now I’m blinded I just can’t see.

I’d kill for you,
I’d cry for you,
I’d die, I swear to you

for now, i choose to fall
tomorrow, i know i'll will stand up tall .. -once again

-2B edited
"Memories.Haunt.Us.Now"

2006-06-09T03:41:00.000+04:00

Well people, I know ur so much into *my crappy life * , but I’d like to note that, my latest edition to my blog family *Demonic-Love* was not created for hating her, I just have this black energy in me that I need to release. Cos if I didn’t, I’m afraid I’d do something stupid. And this Noura of mine will always have her special place in my heart.

Have a LeoMastic Day people!

She loves me no more!

2006-06-07T17:33:00.005+04:00

This hurts so much,
It cuts a thousand wounds in my chest.
I don’t know how much more can I take of this.
My heart now rips away…

How can one feel the same forever?

Streets, start to moan in grief for me.
Trees, let your leaves fall in pain for me.
Birds, hum your cheerless tunes for me.
For today, I’ve lost her eternally.

Let the skies break down to the ground,
Let the rains pour with sulk and sound,
Let the angels start to cry,
Let the winds start to sigh,
For today, I know her love comes to an end...

Now the clouds start to form,
The crows are singing their victory song,
This city seems so filled, with dark and bitter memories of betrayal,
I feel this rage within, but wait; I am weak in this fight...
My love for her still remains…

……

You were my mistake, my only one.
I was young,
And you taught me brutally.
I was pure,
And you formed me with cruelty.
she tells me
……

But I don’t understand,
How could you be so stabbing?
To whom cuddled you through your cold… lonely nights,
Have you no memory of what love we shared?

Down to your knees she says again,
How could one promise to feel the same forever…?
She now draws a grin,

I once loved you, true.
But now you’re the past, you should know
“Baby you gotta move on”
You call your self a man, please...
Now you’re pathetic, too afraid to let go.
Let me be, go away, now shew

With betrayal, I watched her leave,
With pain, she left me to bleed,
My heart shouts, she loved me once…
We are no more.

She, my once white dove, is now a black panther running through my veins
She kisses to slay,
She smiles to thrill
She lives to kill,
She loves me no more …

This sadness
This grief
This emptiness,
Is all what I have left of her.

I loved her,
With my heart,
My soul,
My whole.

But now,
What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her?
As once she belonged to my kisses, someone else’s she will be.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her still.

“Memories.Haunt.Us.Now”

i live up to my promises
i'll be happy!!

Shed a tear for me..

2006-04-05T17:41:00.000+04:00

Please don’t read this with haste,
or the whole point might fade into waste..
I will need your full attention
for your heart to feel this affection..
And I implore you to try not to rush,
I truly want you to feel this crush..

This I’m about to let you read today might not be a true happening, and yet perhaps it just is…

Like any girl, she fell for her dearly beloved father in a very young age. She had her mother’s color of water eyes, a skin that lights up the snow with white. Ever since she first opened her eyes to life, she filled her home with love and elastic passion. Just like her two years older brother that blazed with dazzling smiles and flamed with incredible love energy all around the house.

When she had turned nine of age, her mother passed away and left her husband with a whole lot of sadness and grief that later on took his last breaths away. Now the children were forced to live with their grandparents that lived in a near by city.

A few things they never forgot their loving mother had left them with. Those were the ability to endure hardships of life and wisdom that simply can not fade with time.
The little girl had magnificent love for her brother, and he in return cherished her even more then she did. The children were signed up in a school that was suited a mere block or two from their grandparents house. They both were young bright that everyone loved dearly. They helped their grandmother with chores around the house, and read out phone numbers for their grandfather to call. They pat their neighbor’s dog, and sometimes rang the bell to offer some of grandma’s fabulous dishes. The neighbors fell madly in love with those children instantly. Everyone saw them as the perfect children anyone could wish for. They had a very special and deep place in everyone’s heart right away, the neighbors, the teachers, the parents from school, even the grandparents felt that deep and unique place in their hearts for the children.

At school, the girl made magic come alive at art class, she had the spotlight in all school plays ever since she joined the school, and also was the chess champion for two years in a row. Her brother on the other hand was the school’s lead player in the soccer team; he also was first ranked in all his classes. After the school day was over they always waited for one another at the gates. And usually she finished before her brother. Until one day fate interfered with their lives.

The brother finished his day at school and like everyday went to fetch his sister at the bench where she usually waited for him. She wasn’t there as he came closer. He thought that maybe she had some schoolwork left for her to finish. Minutes passed like hours, he asked the girl’s gate-keeper if he could call out her name with the microphone a number of times, but no one came out to answer. He panicked but still, he waited again. Until a teacher came out, and had asked her if she knew his sister. Fortunately she did. He somewhat was relieved and thanked god, then asked her to go back in to search for his sister if it were no bother for her. She told him that she was her teacher at the ending class of the day and everyone had left twenty minutes ago. He gasped and again with a worried voice he insisted that she go back and look inside.
The school was searched for hours, he called his grandparents house just to find that she still hadn’t come back from school. The authorities were notified instantly of a possible kidnapping of this young girl. Apprehension spread all over the neighborhood. Hours passed by her brother like years. He searched every street, went through every ally, called every friends house, but she was no where to be found. He constantly kept checking with his inconsolable grandma whom waited anxiously at home by the phone for any news. Still no luck finding the little girl.

A day had passed by now, and none could get a shuteye because of this extreme upset. Saddened with grief and pain of losing one of their siblings, the grandparents were wrapped up with hopelessness. The whole school rose up and down in shock of this horrific matter! Three days had passed by now and her brother couldn’t give it a rest when everyone else slowly started to shift back into the normal everyday mood. He just couldn’t stand watching people laugh or even start to smile with each other. He’d decided to leave a note at his bed that said he went in search for his sister. He left at the middle of the night and continued this never ending search in the streets of the huge city. The grandparents reported him missing a number of times, the police caught him and brought him back home everyday. And every time they’d bring him back, his grandmother would tell him how crushed and devastated they all were. And how nothing was left them to do but pray. He refused believe her words, he refused to eat, study nor even sleep. He was too torn by the fact that his sister could still be living in torture this very minute. He never accepted that she could have been dead by that time. She lived within his heart and soul; she was all what was left from his parents. Days and nights went by, yet he still believed.

The girl was kidnapped by the girl’s school janitor. She took her to a house downtown where three middle aged women lived. The kidnapers did many harmful things to the poor little girl. Those women abused her mentally more then physically. Her virginity was sold to the highest bidder. What sexual pain can a 13 year old girl handle? Filthy men from different ages came to her in many different ways. Each came with an even more disgusting sexual fantasy to make come true. She was taught to endure the pain and was threatened if she left with endless torture. She did try more then once to run for her life and dignity. She once rode a taxi and told him to drive her to her old neighborhood with fright. But what she didn’t realize at the time is that the taxi driver knew where she came running from. He drove her to an empty ally, sexually took what he desired and then drove her back to that old house she fled from. She tried to run, she tried to shout, and she fought furiously trying to escape the driver’s painful grip. Without hope of anyone helping her, she was in what people called a porn ally. No one would help, no one would care.
The old hags took her back and threw her in a dark room with a filthy reek of dead rats and roaches. The eldest came and told her,
“We’ll teach you what torture you brought to your self”
They ripped her clothes off and hung her from her hands to the ceiling with her hair tied to the wall. They dipped her feet with honey and waited for the rates to feast. She shouted and screamed but no one came to her rescue. A few minutes, another hag came bashing through the doors and kicked the mice away from the girl, and untied her arms, then brought her wrinkled skin closer to her young body. With filthy breath she whispered into her ear;
“Its not that I like you, but the customers wont like ruined merchandise”
She took her to out that room, and threw her viciously onto a dirty bed. Opening a drawer she took a needle, heated the mixture and let this venom run freely through her body.
“Remember this; no one will take care of you like we will. All we ask for you is to enjoy the process. Now is that too much to ask?” the girl spat with hatred.

she slapped her back and told her ”know this, no matter how many times you try to run, this needle will be your food. Be sure you won’t survive without it”. She then gave out a devilish chuckle as she left the room for the poor young girl to get drugged.

By now years had passed, and every time that venom was running low, she’d feel this urging need to kill for it

Later at night the old geezers had a well paying customer for her. The taxi drove the girl to the place. She went in, he was twenty five of age, this young man greeted her with a kiss and a hug. She threw off her clothes and told him to finish his business and get it over with. With shock clearly spread all over his face he replied, how dare you speak this to me, have you no idea how worthless you are? But then how could a face this beautiful do such woeful sins? You have a face of an angle, and hands of a mermaid, and this heavenly body of yours just can’t be treated with this sort of disgust. Your kind of people disgust me to even be alive, you look so innocent and down beneath are just craving for lust. How could god let you live amongst us. She swallowed the emotion down her throat and met his angered blue eyes. "I wasn’t born this way, but I believe god wants to teach me something from all this" she told him. Glancing at the watch in his hand, she fought to control the tremble in her voice” please, get it over with” he shook his head and she saw the emotion in his eyes as he told her to put her clothes back on. On her face was the brightest smile he had ever seen. He would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she walked towards him, her eyes holding line, and tears began misting in her eyes as she came closer. She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, then smiled again. She wanted to tell him what he'd done, but still unable to speak, No one has ever treated her with love nor respect for fifteen very-long years.

cars may crash!

2006-04-03T12:33:00.000+04:00

dearly beloved,
we are all gathered here today to witness this arising of the fallen, okay lest cut the crap.
I quit the blogger business and was going for good, I really don’t know what the reasons were -honest. But this I know, I was seriously pissed of everything. You know that feeling when everything seems not good enough, when you cant even measure your temper on any gage? –or something like that.

Anyways, remember yasser from the friends post, well, it seemed he enjoyed reading my crappy life, and hadn’t liked that I stopped. In fact, he told me how shocked he was when he read the suspension adds on this blog. -as i've been told.
Well like everyone would do, friends always lie to each other for the sake of this illusion "to make them feel better". And that’s what I believed up to this last weekend. So there I was, out with a buncha people sipping some coffee and exchanging war stories. When Moe-the-kid, had also told me the same about my brainless thoughts. It was just too good to be true.

People, I was in love again.

So tell me something fellow readers, should I believe those I meet in person and what they have to say about my crappy life, or those whom just went away like a summer breeze? –I kinda think those people in person, did what they did for only not wanting me to bash their heads open!

Well people, we're back in business!

twisted brain power

2006-02-25T19:22:00.000+03:00

What is it exactly this feeling you have when those you once thought were there to hold you back up when you’ve fallen,, just don’t do the job so well?

Yes, it’s referred to as a job; it’s not a respectful sacred relation anymore. I’m not talking about friends and enemies, allies and rebels. I’m speaking of family relationships. Doesn’t it just rip your heart out when you look back to your childhood and find it empty from any family love? No matter how hard you tried, you just cant even remember a compassionate face that held you close to their chest when you felt like the whole world reviled you.

If you do have a weak heart, please stop right here. I don’t feel like listening to another dissatisfied parent’s complaint.

How could a child grow up to be a normal person when he was abused in the most unbelievable painful ways by the ones his parents taught him to love? Those uncles whom were supposed to protect their little nephew from strangers, became strangers them selves. They abused that little bastard in every possible way even in a pedophilic manner, more disgustfully. How would he tell his parents, fuck that. Whom did he have to turn to? If those whom his parents told him to trust, damaged and ripped away every image of happiness! But how has he survived?

He walked and sat like every human would do, but he was dead and hollow from the inside, his childhood was stolen from him. Everything around him was creepy and horrible, in his eyes nothing was worth living for no more. Until a few years had passed without him remembering or even seeing his uncles, He learned to forget but never forgive. His heart was hard as steel and cold as frost. Not many friends wanted to be around him, they thought he was a freak. He always stood silent and watched how a normal human being would function. Overflowing from the inside with horrific anger and flaming rage, he just could ignite on his parents. To his point of view, they were responsible for his abusing. Shouting and screaming were his best friends at home, and silence and eye balling people were his companions at school. He wasn’t retarded like you thought; he wasn’t a pervert like your friend had told you. He just needed someone to sympathize with this agony fait threw at him, and listen.

Can you imagine life with a family that hates you for not who you are but whom your parents are. Or uncles that envy your fathers success and just hate you-as their nephew- for being so fortunate? Now picture this, when you were six you had an aunt that read you bedtime stories, and when you got ten of age she had no problem letting you know how much she's disgusted of you for what she believes that her brother had made dreadful mistake. He sent her a three thousand riyal watch on eid, and her ten-year older sister got one for five hundred riyals more! Just let me know how could the child be responsible, have you no heart? Or a brains for that matter. Not to forget those bastards that fill you with abhorrence against your brothers when you were kids. Just to get back at their older brother. And then when you grow up to be a successful person in life they just love to put you down at every step of the way, and start to tell stories around of what an animal you are, and how you never call! When you actually do invite them when ever you got back home.

What more reasons to live can you ask for?!-refreshing isn’t it!

As someone said, I’m plotting for world domination! So who the fuck is with me?

Friends anyone?!

2006-02-16T22:44:00.000+03:00

I've been hanging Saki on the line quit a bit on this!
saki-This-U-1st-comment__OK? -male talk

Its been said that your friends define who you are!
–or hasn’t it?

I did write bout who my friends were, it was just way too dull and too damn long, plus it wouldnt interest any of you!

I'll just say this,
Yasser!!!; Ur a great friend, except for the spitting part after you hang up the phone with someone from the bank! It sometimes makes me wonder.. do you spit after I hang up too? I got nightmares cause of that!!
Okay basically this dude is nice and all when on the phone , and as soon as he hangs up!! He gives out a horrific spit as if he'd actually want to kill the dude!!!! He's a kick ass dude! ;)

MAK; another dude I know since high school, mashallah brilliant mind, and the sweetest guy on the planet.. Graduated last semester and works in Jeddah with a supper salary, so girls, any brides-2-B?!

KHS aka. Carlitto; an amazing guitarist, known him since seventh grade. drives a classic Porsche and has an amazing since of humor. When he doesn’t get enough sleep, he somehow transforms into a seven year old child!! Adorable baby!
PSU, anyone met him yet?

Silly-G; Sudanese guy, rap artist, trembles for a cause. Currently doing his 6th year in med school, haven’t seen him for two years now. We MSNGR though. Friends since ninth grade.We used to party at high school. We Dj-ed afew times. We once started a mix-tape shop on a party, was completely disastrous! dude, he rocks!

out of university speaking, basically those are my closest friends at the moment, and I keep telling my self to keep in touch with older friends but I'm such a lazy ass!

l8r yall ;)

Would you be my.... Valentine?

2006-02-13T19:26:00.000+03:00

This is a time for lovers to meet. This time is for lovers to greet. It’s a time for love to flourish. But tell me how is it possible to live without hope of one day you holding my hand in yours?

If it's true what's been told about saint valentine, then tonight I wish to make a wish.

I wish to hold you ever so tight. Feel your warmth to my chest, your heart beating close to mine, as your lips start to kiss. You taught me how to smile again, you showed me how its possible to find peace after a rebelling war. All this happiness I breath today, I owe to you.

You were the concerned mother that wiped away my tear. You were my caring sister that comforted my aching pains with a kiss. You were my darling daughter that gave me hugs every time I walked by that door. You were my loving wife that gave me hope to the future of us.

Will you please be my valentine tonight?

I've lived so long dreaming of you tonight, here by my side. Walking every step of life together and having fear for no one, but the one above. Water me with purity, dress me with insanity, and love me with depth!

Baby..., if you must know, I'm going bananas about you.

Inspired by Lady Devilish ;)

Ps, saki the coming post.. not this one! -no wrong ideas kiddo! P~

I've Been TAGGED! Urrrrgh!!!!

2006-02-02T05:31:00.001+03:00

Okay you win!! You just wont take no for an answer will you She6anah. Plus Taurus Chic also thought it would be fun, what tha heck i'll just friggin do it!

The rules of the game are:
The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
Need to mention the sex of the target.
Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

Sex Target: a true woman (A FEMALE YOU PERVS!)

1) a woman that would fill our home with passion.
2) a wife that would give my parents her first priority.
3) a mother that would spoil her children crazy, yet discipline them like angels.
4) a person which can make me learn to smile again when the whole world crumbles around me.
5) a lady that would encourage me and trusts what I do for us.
6) a lover that teaches me how to calm down when I'm in a state of rage.
7) a friend I can always speak to her my true thoughts.
8) an insanely jealous lover.

Next 8 Victims:
Murasaki
you
you
you
you
you
you
& you

There, ya happy now! bloody tags!

Stupid things on product labels!!

2006-02-01T03:33:00.000+03:00

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

How much of a muslim are you?

2006-01-29T22:04:00.000+03:00

This petition has been goin on for about a week now, my signature was no.36474. People if we unite, we are simply a mashing fist of iron..

petition

yes I know that this act might not do anything to correct the situation, but if they would atleast see the numbers growing they might actually feel worried about dissing us.

People wake up, they dont mock just a regular human being!!!

What is love, Truely?

2006-01-28T17:38:00.000+03:00

A few blogs I've been reading have the love tag going on. I dont do tags anymore, but i wanted to share what I think I know of love with you.

So what is true love? I ask that question time and time again. Could it be real? Sometimes I think it's hard to tell. I believe that the meaning of true love isn't clear to anyone. It's a question that can never be answered, but keeps a person thinking about it.

What does it mean to love someone? An emotional attraction can be just as strong as a physical attraction, so who's to say when love is in your corner. I hate when people say, "You're too young to be in love" It's not true. Love can appear at any age to anyone. However, the question that boggles my mind is: Does true love really exist, or is it just a figment of one's imagination? Is it possible to make yourself believe you're in love, even when deep in your heart you're confused? People can say I love you, but what does it really mean. Is it being said because the love is real, or do people say it because they feel they should?

This is not a perfect world. With love, hate always follows. What does love consist of? Is it the butterflies in your stomach or the fast beat in your heart? Do you want love so bad you can taste it, so you make up a dream in your mind? I always thought that I could speak from experience. I could say, "yes, I am in love" My dream faded too fast. Even though I'm only 22, I still felt that this special person in my life could be the one I referred to as my "first love". I was hurt and because of it, I now doubt love.

Was I really in love or was I just some, hopeless romantic convincing myself that love was there? I'll never know. The questions I ask will never be answered. Is there really that magical feeling that everyone talks about? And when the relationship comes to an end, is love what makes you unwilling to stay, but unwilling to leave? The ultimate question, if what everyone says about love is true, then why does love have to hurt so much?

Movie Reviews

2006-01-22T14:22:00.000+03:00

Yeah I know we got finals, and I should be studying but I just cant help it.. those last two days two stunning directors gave my heart the chill, enjoy..

"
"Memoirs of a Geisha"

Can a group of American men and Chinese actresses render the remote and mysterious world of a geisha? The answer is yes, with stunning beauty …and regrettable flaws.

Truth be told, this movie was not as bad as its trailer led me to expect. It had a story to tell (although it crumbles in the end), images to show, and material to present. There were ample displays of exquisite beauty—the trailing tails of silk kimonos, the subtle allure of hand gestures, and the captivating kabuki theater dance scene...

On the other hand, the American director was not able to pull the Japanese out of Chinese actresses. (This movie was so crowded by famous Chinese idols that I found myself inadvertently searching for Joan Chen among the cast.) To be fair, all three main actors (Gong Li in particular) show strong performances that made me sympathetic to Rob Marshall's choices. However, they remain utterly Chinese throughout this movie. The look and accent are not the only problems. They lacked the kind of extreme femininity, excessive felicity, and delicately mechanical gesture, posture, and movements of traditional Japanese ladies you can see in custom dramas of Japanese production. (Michelle Yeoh seems to be the only one trying a little bit of those, but it did not quite work for some reason.)

So, let me re-address the question: Can a group of American men and Chinese actresses render the world of a geisha? The answer, I guess, really depends on what you are looking for. If you would like a little bit of delight from an aesthetically pleasing picture with a vague standard for authenticity and realism, this movie delivers it. I would not say Rob Marshall failed completely. Memoirs of a Geisha is not the first, nor the last, movie that subjects another culture to the crude lens of American exoticism. It definitely is not the worst one.

This other movie called "smile" assures you that every once in awhile a film comes along that just reminds you what life is really all about this film did it for me. The difference in this film is it stirred you to want to care, to want to make a small difference any way that you possibly can in life. This film is that hope factor that keeps one going no matter how many times you have been beaten up by the world and it's cynical ways. The love and hope in this film reminds you to keep trying, searching, reaching to help make a difference no matter what, no matter how small a way. Thank God for people who make films such as this!!

So if you do have time, checkem out.... Oh and by the way I know it seems like I got allot of free time to spare but for the love of god, someone tell me GO STUDY!! So again ,, wish me luck ;)

And so the year begins....

2006-01-01T20:41:00.000+03:00

I wish all of you and your families a wonderful year

filled with happiness, prosperity, good health and life.
May all your dreams come thru,

and all your sorrows fade away.

Some people feel joy when it's around, and others just feel the depression. some people dont have a problem if what they did was acceptable even though it wasnt according to plan, and others just feel the whole world crumble around them when something is out of place from this plan they made for them selves. I'm from the second group I believe, the miserable ones. Its not that I'm a grouch or anything, I just feel something is missing even if it were a spec. Sometimes I don't even know why this depression comes to haunt. Sadly I began this year with a grouch, here's how the story goes!

We've been planning this for a week's time now, and its Saturday already. A friend calls and checks what plans I got for today and stupidly I reply "none!" so asks if I wanted to join him and a group of people to Bahrain, we agreed on a time and everything else for the matter. So its five o'clock and a guy is missing. he has some sort of class meeting with an astronomy class tonight. We waited till we got fed up. Its almost seven, we're on our way to the connecting bridge, he calls and finally decides to tag along. Again we wait…

Now we're done from customs and all those legal things, all of a sudden and out of the dark, a speed camera on the bridge clips our wings! That won't ruin our day said the driver, we jump to a mall and want to dine. But before that we checked out what movies the cinema has to offer, well, it was my childhood favorite, KING KONG! I jumped off the ground, "yes yes we'll take it!!" seven thirty starts the show, we barely had time to feast. We pay the Dairy Queen a visit and gobble up our food. Shit, its 7:45, the show started already. Rushing through people trying to find our way, pretty women stair, kids with bashing looks, it was a miracle, we finally were there. Popcorn sweet, slated and all other kinds of snacks we friends of movies theaters. 10 minutes later, SHBANG! and then a Crushhh…! a guy drops his family-sized popcorn to the floor. Even people we didn’t know laughed at the sound of that! The movie continues….

Just as I thought this movie is too long, a five minutes break is displayed on the screen. People go for smoke others for popcorn and some to pee. The movie continues… now here's all the action this movie is giving. Tick tock tick tock, the clock is almost eleven. Man C'mon, we barely have time to leave and go, kill that ape and get it over with. As much as I loved this movie the more I wanted to leave the show. The movie finished, my friends and I gave a long and deep sigh, now forty minutes left till the year turns….

We rode our car, stepped on the peddle and burnt some rubber. The crowd was a roar. Finding our way through this small city of Bahrain, every road was blocked. Now what do we do?! Fighting to find our way, struggling between the cars, and giving every one this extreme impression about Saudis, we meant them no harm, we were just trying to find our way thru. Jammed in the rush halt in this traffic was when the time turned a year! Peeps and horns were all over the road, I just couldn’t really figure out the message encoded, was it happy New Year or did they try to imply a word closer to "FUCK!!" couldn’t tell really…

Now its 40 past the year and we still couldn’t find a place to chill. A guy wanted to get drunk the other wanted to fuck and some just wanted a dance but I just wanted to end this trance. Finally we're at a club, Wrangler was its name, free booze and dance all night was its game. Wait did I mention it was 20BD a head? Dark and lighted with black everything white just sat to glow. I lost my self in a corner watching people making idiots out of them selves, and just wished this night would end, for a second I wished my life to go away. They forgot I was alive and that was just my plan exactly. I just sat to reminiscence upon my life and what had I done all year, nothing would cheer my up from those thoughts I begun, man they were ugly, bad and just so damn sad. Three hours and fifteen minutes as this year begun, It was time to leave I told every one. But just as a spoiled kid would do, they all danced like buffoons and implored for a few more drinks before they'd go. Went out to smoke, and this music was so loud I'm surprised I didn’t stroke! Twenty minutes have passed when will you twitches understand you have classes tomorrow not like the others with a three day break, the so called new years holyday! I asked a bouncer to do the honors of bringing them back to life, and so he did. Back in the car was everyone drunk till his ears started to pour. I drove the whole way back home sadly I say. Those jerks wouldn’t stop the ass acting, Now food was between their eyes and every spec of them wanted to stuff his face before his thigh. MacDonald's was their wish come true, I stopped and picked everyone's puke off the car an hour later. Now sound asleep they were, we passed the customs and each got a smack on his face for just being a wee bit like an animal! I got nothing of that and was as happy as an angel, finally the day is coming my way. Off to bed with them and there you have it. One hell of a night to start the year with.

Thank you but please do not feel sorry for I do deserve what was coming to me!

Dance to my burning flames

2005-12-30T02:30:00.000+03:00

Beside you, here I stand tall today
Take a good look into my eyes
Deepen your thoughts in them
Those might be the last you have

Feel that venom running freely in your body
Breaking down your every postured wall

You are now a victim of your own guilt
Filled with disgust and filth for many failing attempts

This calm voice of mine, comes cold and cruel to you
Those flames in my eyes you see
Will haunt you for time that fails to end

Fear me,
Break down at the very sight of me,
For I will haunt your every memory,
I’ll be in your breath, and under your skin
I wont seek my vengeance,
I’ll leave it for you to begin

Your last failed attempt will surly be my guarantee…

Burn with fear… let it burn with desire
Feel this heat ... taste my flaming fire

Leave those flames burn your flesh
Take you down to your last filthy breath
No more will I be a game for you to play
I wont sit down for your display

I’ve waited long enough for you to come this far

Now my debts are Due
I will watch you die slow
Surly I’ll enjoy this disturbing sight for you

Don’t beg for mercy this last minute
I can’t forgive you just now
Let me see this revenge come thru
Let me rest knowing you wont hurt no more

How blind was I to open my heart
How stupid must I been to let you in
I wont know how to make it up to my self
This is the only way…

let me kill you
From my memories
From my diaries
From all my coming days

Please..
Let me rest in peace!

Memories.Haunt.Us.Now

A dedication for Lady Devilish (she6ana)

2005-12-19T11:20:00.000+03:00

I don’t know how to start really, thou I wanted so much to do something new, something I haven’t done in a while, I thought I’d surprise you dear reader, but time is running, and I don’t want you to give up on me. But I do promise you the next time you logon, something exciting will be waiting for your eyes to amuse! <- liked that part!!

Anyways, I’ve been busy here and there for a thousand reasons, I have an exam that will be taking place within the hour, but never mind, you are worth it if you really do come to enjoy your self at my blog!

Okay so lets take it back a few weeks before…

The wish story was becoming a huge burden on my shoulders and did not know how to get it off my shoulders, I got worried I’d bore you from reading it, so I had to end it, and end it fast.. but the problem was that every time I got to the ending part I got another dramatic picture in my head, and it was way over due, I had not the time nor the spirit at the moment to get it over with. So I guess the last part wasn’t as much as I wanted it to be. After that in a while, I was free do what ever I pleased! <- God I hope noura doesn’t read this!

A week later I was in doubt of almost everything that is around me, I re thought my life from scratch and wanted so much just to escape.. Escape what? Still I haven’t figured that part out yet. But that contention got me worried if I were sane still!!

As far as my bloging breakthroughs go, I thought I’d do a poem, but still haven’t started with the first line! <-God I feel like I got too much to give and no time to do it all!

I had an exam last night and it was not all that bad I guess, I did expect worse to tell the truth, but hey grades arnt posted yet, so I guess I’ll just hold that thought for a while! But here comes the ultimate excitement of the week! C’mon guess! No no really Guess! Oh C’mon…. okay okay I’ll tell you,, OH JUST GUESS! Fine! I’ll tell you. As I were not late for a lecture at one PM, I thought why park the car way over the football field, why not those sweet carpools they give the faculty and staff! It was peaceful there, plus my car got jealous and needed a treat! so I did, having in mind the university security comes only before noon and locks down cars! so a parked at 1245pm. Went to class enjoyed my boring lecture, and met with my project group for twenty minutes! After all that was done, I went singing with pleasant thoughts! GOOD now my car is not ridiculously stuffy from the inside. Well to my surprise, it was locked down with an orange thing humping its rear tier! <- you seriously missed this expression I had on my face!

Anyways shocked and devastated I was, I asked my car who did this to you?!! Who?!! Just tell me god-damned whom?! She said nothing back to me, though I could see a sad look in her headlights, her light bulbs went as shiny as always, she was sad. I figured it was one of those hateful doctors’ cars who rattled her out. Anyways, a log story short, I somehow forgot my keys on the door, just inserted and unlocked! I called on a friend to pick me up, well he laughed at my situation hard, man he did laugh so hard I felt like I wanted to punch him in the face, but I cooled down myself. What else was I supposed to do, he had a moving car!

Shit its time for the exam, they lock down cars 24 hours, I spent all last night looking everywhere for the car keys, couldn’t sleep at night, and found them today with a car washer dude! Yallah wish me luck! Byes!

Be careful what you wish for...(Fourth and Final Part)

2005-11-18T19:41:00.000+03:00

Previous Post

Noura went to a far corner where trees stood tall. Her phone was glued to her ear, and her voice was uttered with concern and anxiety, she kept asking “..What’s wrong, and why are you shouting at me...” My heart pounded with thumps of an elephants rushing heart beats. I felt terrible for the poor girl, everything seemed going her way, except for that phone call, if my guess was right, I’m guessing its that same guy she talked with earlier today, everyone else that was important to her sat around that table of dinner.

I had to come closer and find out who it was. He never gave her a chance to speak; I was a few meters away I could almost see him jumping off her phone. He shouted without clemency or mercy. I felt the need to break some bones of his body. I was powerless to change anything of that day, I could only sit and watch to what could happen next.

I felt rage As he said “… if you were 12 and you did that, what would you do when you reach 20…” I looked into Noura’s eyes, they were filled with tears. I almost could remember that scolding happening before! I looked to Noura and saw her heart shatter into pieces, I felt pain cutting me in two, not only because I were powerless to help, but that raging voice that scolded Noura… it was me. Dear God… I remember exactly where I stood when I made that phone call, I remember every word she tried to explain her self with when I shut her down. I remember that mad thought of not wanting her stand beside me, nor love me any more. I remember that insane want of torturing her. That phone call haunts me still, every time I reminiscence the thought of those barbaric wants just kill me from the inside. Only now do I know how it truly felt from Noura's side.

The call from the pool house, we talked about where we’d honeymoon when we’d marry each other and I’d pronounce her as a queen of my world, and this later phone call... made her feel worthless. What hurts me even more is that I planned both phone calls seeking to revenge my self because of an outsider feeding my raging manners. That day, four years away, I deeply regret with every breath that I take in.

Noura went into her room after her heart was stabbed by those poisoned words I threw at her. She went to her empty house with a heart filled with bleeding wounds that time cant simply heal. She rushed to her room so that the maids could not see her, and closed the door behind her. I couldn’t catch up with her; I was locked outside, just listing to her hurting shouts of pain made me want to kill my self for causing such hurt to such a cherub. She cried and cried like her heart was ripped off with bars of heated steal. Though I’m invisible to the eyes, still I could not walk through doors and walls.

Her brother knocked on her door, wondering why she didn’t come for dinner. He wanted to let her know that he saved her some food. Noura didn’t want him to come inside and see her dripping with pain and tears. But Khaled was determent to come and know what’s wrong with his bigger sister. He asked her if someone died, and it was almost true, I just killed her with my words of toxin. that’s when she opened the door for her eight year old brother.

They both sat on the bed, again..., he asked her for what made her cry. Though her tears just wouldn’t stop falling and she’d burst into uncontrollable crying every time she tries to speak, she tried to draw a soothing smile on her face. Needless to say, that wasn’t an enough answer for his simple mind’s query. He asked again, “did anyone die today?” she comforted his inquiry with a simple “no” and hugged him. Khaled told her “then why cry, weren’t you who told me that if it wasn’t death, everything else can be fixed, please don’t cry, god will fix it again..” she hugged her baby brother like there were no tomorrow, and unleashed those cries she tried so hard to hide from him.

Khaled knew that his sister was in pain and there was nothing he could do to pull her out from that sadness she fell in. all what he could offer her was a comforting hug and kisses on her shoulders that hugged him with might. He understood her pain without needing a word to be said. This pain I’ve caused her was to great of pain even for Noura to stop her self from crying with her brother in her arms. I could never for give my self for such a doing.

Hours passed, Noura still had unleashed cries trying to force their way out, but I guess the comfort of watching her brother sleeping beside her while she brushed his hair with her hands soothed her pain. I just sat and watched this tragedy I throw to the one person I loved the most. More time passed by, her father passed at her door and saw the both of them, he said nothing but these emotionless words “its getting late, try to get some sleep” his words reminded me why I loved Noura in the first place and that promised to fill in those gaps she needed the most, tonight was when i failed. She kept a night light on beside her brother, and left the bed for her concerned brother to rest then went to that faint sofa. She fell asleep instantly, I could hear her heaved breathing. I went closer to her and laid beside her, I touched her hair, how could I ever have hurt such a person. I could not do anything to help her out of this pain, nor could I ever forgive my self for such.

I continued to feel her breathing hitting my chests, I looked into those sleeping eyes, and felt that heated sleeping body of hers. I moved some of her hair away from her ear and whispered a wish…

I then hugged Noura so close to my heart, she smiled as it felt like I was pulling her pain away. I felt weak and closed my eyes to sleep. Three days later I woke up to a gentle hand touching my face, I opened my eyes and saw my mother welcoming me back from a dreadful three-day fever.

~4~

Words Inspired by Sara, emotions triggered by Brian Mcknight's amazing music "Still" U gotta check it out! IMAGINATION Ignited by my weekly three hour drive to Riyadh, and supported by my Lovely mum.

Be careful what you wish for... (3)

2005-10-04T08:29:00.000+03:00

Previos Post

There were five homes grouped up together. She just looked around and sighed, she thanked god for every little thing he gave her. The gardeners were doing their job, and the drivers were washing the cars, it seemed like everyone was doing his part of chores in this family mansion. She was lying around the pool with her feet dipped in the water, when her phone rang; it seemed like a long waited phone call. She told her brother to take back his dish to the kitchen and then walked towards that wooden pool house; she walked leisurely as she answered her phone.

I followed her as she walked and talked, it was just a few meters away and it seemed like she'll never get there with that slow pace of hers. I sat next to that door waiting for her to get there, just watching her barefoot steps on the grass, her smile and embarrassed laughs, how the wind played with her hair and how those gentle sun rays danced off her body that almost seemed as if it were glowing with light. I was happy just to be there and watch her feeling joy. I could see love flourishing through her eyes, it was clear even for children to realize that she was in love with whom ever she was talking to.

I felt a mixed feeling of joy and sorrow combined, I was happy to see that finally love found its way back into her blooming heart, but I couldn’t avoid that feeling of pain knowing it wasn’t me that made her love again. I just smiled back at her as I watched her talk to this lucky person that made her smile again, and recovered her from those terrible wounds when someone leaves you.

But wait, what if it isn’t a boy she's talking to? What if it were her mother on the phone, what if it were a friend calling from a far away country, missing a friend and loving someone are only a hair apart. I was curious and determent to know whom was she talking to. I went close enough to eves drop on her talk, I heard that voice she talked to, yes as I thought it would be, it was a man's voice on that other end of her phone, and it sounded so familiar. I was crushed and devastated, the pain I once felt for losing her was far too much for me to handle now, and I just can't take this any longer.

I sat in a corner where I can't hear what they talk but could see her every move, I loved her so much that I felt like I could take down any one or thing that came into my way, my body was flowing with dangerous black vicious energy. I just watched her as the sun went down, talking for hours with this guy. I thought to my self, she seems happy and that’s all what mattered to me, I kept reminding my self those words.

She finally hung up and went out of that wooden room; she seemed happy and just jumped with both her hands upwards and shouted excitement. I sat, watched and smiled back at her, she was happy, alive and filled with joy. I followed her as she went back into her house; she took a bottle of water and drank to its last drop, then gave out that sound when your thirst is gone. I laughed and really felt like hugging her and kissing her all over, I wanted so much to talk with her about anything, it really didn’t matter as long as she spoke back to me.

She went around the house looking for her brother, shouting his name all over the place; it was time to visit grandfather she shouted. Her house was empty except for the maid that told her he already left to his grandfather’s house; “he looked all over for you and eventually went on his own.” The maid told her.

Noura went upstairs and changed her up cuffed jeans into a more relaxing fabric. She wore a long cotton skirt with colors of brown and fire, she put on a white shirt and a red scarf around her neck then went off to see her grandfather that lived right next door. her grandfathr's house was filled with all her family; it was the biggest house on their yard. She said her hello’s and kissed a few aunts, when her uncle yelled at her wanting to know where she was all this time, and how it's been hours spent searching for her and she was no where to be found. Speechless she was, when she just smiled back at him and said sorry! Her aunt interrupted them just in time to save Noura the embarrassment infront of the whole family, "go on Noura, your grandfather is expecting you in his room" she smiled back at her aunt as a sign of relive and thanks, then went to that room where her grandfather was. She just sat with him for hours talking and laughing about all sorts of things. He loved being with Noura just as much as she loved being with him. I sat with them and enjoyed that unique friendship they both shared each other. After a second of both being quiet, her grandfather asked if she wanted to marry her cousin, I got shocked more then she did. Noura blushed into red and made sure he understood she wasn’t ready yet, “not until I finish my studies, it's still too early for such talk” she replied.

It was time for dinner now, and everyone was calling for Noura. Her little brother stepped into the room, when the grandfather shouted "and here's my favorite grandson, where have you been you little trouble maker" it was true, Noura and her brother were his favorite grandkids. As they were going to the dining table Noura's phone started to ring, and ring rapidly; it was like something was wrong. She answered and then ran out of the house just asking what went wrong. No one noticed that noura was in panic except for her aunt that felt something wasn’t right. Everyone gathered on the table for dinner even the grandfather on his wheelchair, everything seemed normal except that the grandfather noticing the aunts concern to what's out that window behind him.

...

Next Post...

~3~

Be careful what you wish for... (2)

2005-09-25T21:05:00.000+04:00

As I went closer to see who's in that bed made of silk and gold. I saw long thik black hair, and heard a cuddle noise she made just before she turned to where I stood. It was Noura, she was asleep, with a smile drawn on her adorable face that looked to my direction. I pulled a chair carefully and sat just happy to gaze into her lovely face. As she moved again to wake up, I got scared from that unexpected movement of her feet to reach that marble floor underneath. I panicked and rushed towards her dresser wanting to avoid her shocked scream, and hoped she wouldn't notice me until I could explain to her. But what sane reason can I explain to her, I haven't the faintest idea how I got to her room!

God! she's looking at my direction as if it were okay for me to just be standing there, she's walking towards me, I'm more then frightened and scared, what am I supposed to do or say to her, shivering from the inside and smiling on the outside I was. Moved out of her way and smiled as I said hi. She took a brush from behind me, and brushed her hair, she just ignored me. But why just calm as if I never existed? I know I gave her bad memories, but I'm a new person now, and I'm able to love her once again as she wanted me to. Anything to win back her love... I wish.... a small laugh in my ear and said, "too late now you've made your wish, now enjoy while you can, haven't you wished for this so long now, well there she is!" Yes! I did think of that,... My god! It came true!! But again the granny told me it would end as I went to sleep. I swore to God above that I will never lose her again.

Washing up her face, Noura started to fit in the day now. But how can I talk with her and tell her to look at me and accept me back into her life, I didn’t even know if she moved on already or not. I had no idea what had happend all this time, its been two years now. I stood by her as she chose clothes to wear and told her, "I know must hate me by now, but I promise you that never again will I treat you less then a goddess, I'll defecate you from now on forth."

She looked at the direction I stood in and murmured a word I couldn't understand. I thought to my self maybe it still isn't the right time to start talking. I picked out a shirt for her to wear instead of my useless talk; she just stretched her hand to pick another on an upper shelf and threw them on her bed as she started taking off her tops. "Oh god! ... Noura!" I turned around and told her I'll wait outside. Again! granny with a smirck on her face chuckled into my ear, "she can't see you nor hear you silly!" completely surprised I asked her, "but what use is it to be with her and not being able to express my self?" she never answered me.

I waited for Noura to be done, and then went to out to the living room, she was magnificent, the way she walked, how she sat on that sofa watching TV with a bowl of watering pineapple bits she gentley held with two fingurs and chewed on as breakfast . I just sat next to her examining her every movement, just amazed how beautifull and complete god created her. The sun’s rays just shined where she sat, shimmering from a back window that glowed on to her silky hair and just bounced off with magical brownish shades of color.

Her baby brother had just woke up and came to the living room with his cute little batman P.jays, his hair was adorably messed up, just went and sat next to Noura. He laid his head on her laps, and she made those baby good morning noises that totally made me insanely wanting to hug such a sensation. I continually kept admiring her sister-to-brother relationship; it was like she came out of a fairytale into real life. I wanted so much to touch her hands and just feel their warmth. But she never felt me, and my hands just couldn't feel the touch of hers, disappointed but still excited to be sitting on the chair just next to her and being able to see her.

So soon! Lunchtime was here, and her father just came home back from office. Noura amazingly came up to her father and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, when her little brother just went running like crazy to hug his father. They all gathered up at the lunch table, despite the fact that I could not be seen, I feared to sit with the father on the same table. I just went around them and admiralty watching the way she took care feeding her brother and passing around those dishes to her fathers dining, I gathered up all what strength left in me to sit on that same table the family gathered on, after a million thoughts and considers of invading this beautiful chemistry her family shares one another, I finally decided to not disrupt this bond, and just settle by watching Noura's smile from a couch far in the living room but facing her. I watched how she took care of everything; the way she salted her food and how her hair fell from the sides as she leaned towards her plate, those angelic figures of hers were just magically divine, mingling with her hair when brushed away from her godlike face. That smile she gave back her baby brother whenever he looked at her was simply breathtaking. I desperatly wanted so much to be a brother or a relative of the family, I’d settle down for anything, just to know we’re a part of the family she's in.

After that lunch, they gathered around the TV just flicking on channels, I sat with them next to the baby brother on a couch watching him play with some toys he brought from upstairs, just admiring the love his sister carefully embraced him with. It made me feel a tear in my eye and this great need to hold him so close to my heart with arms I feared they might crush his little bones. looking at Noura every now and then, she sat there on a chair next to her father seat just like a lady should, with one leg neatly over the other, and that cup of tea in her hand resting on her laps, chatting with her father, I couldn't understand what they talked about, I was captured by the scene I see Noura in, she was just perfectly dealing with every member of her family.

Soon it was time for her fathers afternoon's siesta, her little brother was still filled with life and excitement since morning, enthusiasm that wanted Noura to stay and play with him, she took his little hand and went upstairs to the play room, then dug out a puzzle for him to play, she promised him that when he's done that she'll get him some ice cream, and made a funny face with a yummy sound-like that made me want to laugh as hard as I could, so I did, knowing that no one would hear me anyway.

After that I went back with Noura to her room, she went through the book shelves then selected one that had a page-keeper inside, and laid down on that deep purple colored French chaise lounges, or faint sofa if you will. keyed up, she started reading from that book resting on hear chest between her hands. Her divine figures were brilliantly carved by the hands of god, wrapped around that fortunate book, beautiful how soft and long figures she had, her nails were without a polisher just so pure in shape and color, coated her figures a soft milky skin, the kind you’d want to rub with your face. I just sat on her bed with my hands around my cheeks and a sigh just gazing at her as she flipped another page of that book, like in a library, the room was with me and her, silent enough you can almost hear her every breath she takes in. I watched her not long enough to satisfy the thirst my soul desired. I fell in love all over again with her and realized that there isn’t anything better I could've wished for; she was all I ever wanted.

Hours seemed like merely a moment had passed by, her brother came barging into her room, declaring victory upon that puzzle. He came and jumped on her stomach then laid right next to her, wrapping his baby arms around Noura’s body, and eye-kissing her cheeks, eye- kissing is opening ones eye and closing it repeatedly as if placing your lips to ones cheeks. The site of her brother fighting to give his sister an eye-kiss, and her combined laughter with a screaming voice, her pleads to let her continue the reading she started, was simply lovable. She eventually had to beg just to read one more page. To see them squabble together with laughs and joy of being together, and just forget what hardships life brings to one, even if it were for just few seconds, it made me happy to know such a powerful woman able to provide the love her family needs.

She finally fell a victim of that promise she made her little brother. She carried him with a hug and a gentle nose rub as she stood up the sofa, then rained him with kisses all over his little baby face and took him downstairs. They went through the fridge to find what flavors of iced cream they had, three, "vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry! What will it be kiddo?" He wanted all mixed together; she opened her eyes, and excitedly said "right-on chubbiez!" She served him what he wanted and licked off what was left of the scooping spoon. They both went out side to the swimming pool as they dipped their toes and made jokes and fun out of nothing in particular. Playing with her feet in the pool's cold water, and hugging her brother as he spoke with his mouth full. I envied the little guy for having such an angle of a sister love him so much.

....

~2~

Be careful what you wish for... (1)

2005-09-14T10:47:00.000+04:00

When everything is calm and still, and when darkness reaches to you from that far end of the room, it touches your body, and that once of a body that's yours stays still…, when exhaustion has its best of you, you know its time for her to come as well.

I await her arrival anxiously every night before my thoughts ship to dreams. she comes to me, She whispers gently into my ear and asks me for a wish to make, a fantasy to truth.

"Only this time," she told me, "I will grant your wish, so be careful what you wish for, my child." Tonight is yours to command as you desire. So be careful what you wish for.

As I could almost see her wrinkled lips speak those words I just heard, I try and make out her face in the darkness, she asks,"Is this truly what your eyes want to see?" I backed out and thought again before I made my one wish. Now my thoughts bring me to a more materialistic state, and thought of money, power, cars, houses and everything else one could desire in this world of ours. Again she cautioned me and reminded to think carefully before I spoke something I really didn’t want, and lose that dream I've always wanted to become real, but what was it that I've always wanted?! I can't remember...

why this time against all the others she finally grants me this one wish. Why now? She had a list filled with wishes I've made every night and none got the sight of truth. Every night she answered my calling, but never gave me what I truly wanted. And finally now, when she answeres my yearning, I haven’t the faintest idea what it was that I wanted most. I asked for time to grant me before I had decided my ultimate desire. She told me "the night is still young, but it wont last you for ever!" then gave out a devilish echoing laugh and vanished back into the darkness!

My sight points at a drawer before me, like it was staring at me. I wonder what's kept in there. It's been ages since I've wondered through those things I've collected during my life. I walked with a panicky heart, as if I already knew what's kept in there. I went back and forth through memories, in life times, I just couldn't remember what I had kept in there! I slowly walked to that drawer still striving to remember..
I went closer till I reached to open it; I found a paper in that box. Just one sheet of paper, I read what it said and every feeling it once gave me just came back like a tide wave. Oceans of memories just took me back through time again. She suddenly shows up and asks me, if I were ready. I knew then what it was that I wanted most from this life we live. It was her; I wanted so much to be with her at this very moment...

* * *

It was dark and voiceless, nothing seemed to neither move nor be alive in this place. Why am I not scared?! My eyes were too heavy to open, where am I? I just couldn't tell where i was.
it was a room with high ceilings, pink walls and a dark blue with pink-like colors, a dresser next to that deep purpled door, a blue bed made of silk, and a painted walls' creation of an artistic stroke of paint on that far side of the girls room. Her cobbered was made of light pinkish oak wood, and the floor had pinkish marble blended with dark blue natural marble stripes that matched those blue decorated with gold curtains reaching the floor of her room. It's all true! I'm in a girl's room, but was it really hers?

Next Post

~1~

Tagg!! .... i'm it

2005-09-08T17:36:00.000+04:00

She6anah, i'll follow yours, here goes:

10 yrs ago:
it was 1995 and i was somewhere in middle school. i had a teacher that i hated more then the devil himself. On one nasty PTA he told my father that i was playing around while the class is going, i got scolded when i got back home, and when i confronted the bastard he said it was for you own good. but all i did was sit in that far corner of the class and listen to the walkman all thru the day. is it a crime?!

5 yrs ago:
i graduated high school and went to the AUS and studied for one semester, i swore to god i'd never come back to saudi, well eventually mum's pink mushy love got to me, so i came back, and now i'm a upm'r.

1 yr ago: (last year)
i have no idea what so ever, but i do remember this, i took summer courses to escape my family's never ending trips during summer. you can imagine how boring that gets!

Tomorrow:
i'll have my last party before i head back to saudi, yeah i'm ditching the 1st day.. Awesome!
i never ditched a day back at school, its its goanna ROCK!! not

snacks "hungry already":

club sandwiches,
snickers with coke (not diet) P~
mead cold cuts ( i live alone at the univ)
Subway's amazing cold cuts.
waffles

Bands i know lyrics to:

i dont listen to bands, but even if i do listen i never was good with lyrics.
But check this out http://www.kicken.com/flash/bsbgay.swf

with a billion dollars i'd:

give each of my parents ten million to go crazy with.
build a house with five underground level car pools and fill them all up.
u know those hot dog rollers, yeah well i'll do them for cars, so i'd shift those cars to the ground level.
write a will that all liquid capital goes to the poor and unfortunate, and my children will have everything else but money to scatter around. oh and for starters i'd start a savers account that adds 2 thousand each month and untouchable until each is 26.
one big ass spa next to the indoor pool

five places i'd run away to:
mmMm.. have i killed anyone?!!! i wouldnt run away, but i'dd like to stay somewhere alone for some time every couple of months.

Bad habits:

you might think i talk allot, but i actually dont in real life
not sociable
love my solitude
screw up allot
plan and never actually commit to them.

~~~~THIS IS TOO LONG~~~~

things i like:

racing
winning
having a dark side no one knows bout me
make a good first impression
travel driving

TV shows:

The OC, until i found out its a Jew guy acting to be perfect
full house, ( i used to tape them when i was a kid, ramdan)
the contender
60 minutes

will never wear:

a crazy hair cut
women cloths
sandals (foot shy P~)
crazy colored shirts

movies i like:

gone in sixty seconds
brave heart
the ring 1
city of angels
face off

people i'd like to meet:

Noura, a girl i lost
my grandfather , mum's side
friends, that i need to apologize to
Tupac, rap artist
......

joyful moments:

rowing a boat with my uncle in london (96 first time i ever rowed)
dolphins on a sea cruse in miami (89)
a beating we gave some street punks when saudi go to the world cup in 98 ( What? they were rebelling someone had to do it)
when my friends mum caught us smoking bubbly
visiting Iraq back in 97
visiting mum's friend in the UAE (back in 96 mid break)
the times dad took me to Toyland

Fav. toys: !!!!!!

my dad got me a game boy when i was 14 i never let my brothers play until it was a month old
a huge crane remote with construction site my dad got me from the states
lego (outer space)
remote petrol car

Thank God i'm done!!!
The Tag dies with me! Unless a volunteer comes along!

The Magic Within

2005-08-21T19:07:00.000+04:00

Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder and indeed it is this humble organ that perceives everything that is resplendent in the world. But in strictly scientific terms what we experience is nothing more than the constant bombardment of countless stimuli pulsing with information that needs to be decoded. So, cocooned within a world of darkness, how does the mind translate this flood of sensation? How does the eye transform light into neural messages? And how from this living neurochemistry do we create conscious experiences? These challenges the mind faces when replacing the loss of information in the transition from the world outside to the world within.

Ever thought of the magic in ones eye? The unheard words they speak? The body is like a device we use to move from one place to another, its more like car we use to get to places, we wash it take care of it, get heair cuts, nails..etc in the end its what we use to communicate with. But what really is us, is defined with what's in our eyes. its amazing how beauty is understood from ones eye, no matter how much you try and hide your emotions your eyes will always deceive you and tell what's hidden underneath that face.. Without even saying a single word, Just a look is enough to give away your feelings your emotions and sometimes even your words.

No matter how beautiful you are or how ugly one can get, the real you is how you move your eyes at people, a shy look, a decived look, an adorble look, you know the rest.. and how you direct that look of yours also really counts. When you say sorry, look into the eyes of that person... ever heard that phrase before? its what shows how sincere you really are, how dedicated and how strong your position stands. i think!

i have no idea what i wanted to say, i'm just killing time waiting for a call and now i have to leave.

thanx for reading!

The Massacre

2005-08-08T20:14:00.000+04:00

Well okay, now I know you've been waiting for this quite a while now.. For those who read, know that I'm agonizing from a diet stumbled across a few weeks ago.. cabbage Soup, yup you heard it, cabbage soup!

Well in its program, you have to eat one whole boiled chicken on the fifth day... and actually I'm surprised I made it that far.

Okay here's the story...

On a beautiful Wednesday morning I finished classes, and went off to a nearby supermarket, well I thought what better then going to a hypermarket that had just opened next to our university, since it was still day time, I thought well here's my chance to go in. cause when the sun goes down, only families or couples are allowed "geez sounds like a club or something" well it’s the truth. Anyways, I went in and Gèant was really gigantic. I always lose sense of direction when I'm at a huge place, it's just frustrating. I went up and down the isles, got lost a thousand times. And in the end I bought a whole bunch of stuff that I really didn't need. As an excuse to ease my frustration I think.

Anyways it was me and the chicken back at my room. I had no one to cook for me so I was on my own. Well it’s a frozen one so I had to defrost it first, right? The thing was that I didn’t know how or where. So I got my self one of those big water containers and cut the top off and filled it with tap water. Left it for 15 minutes and came to give it a de-skinning job. So I opened the wings a part with one hand and with a sharp knife in my other hand striving to make a cut in its body. It was disgusting I tell you.

After struggling for over 10 minutes I found out that it hadn’t completely thawed out. The legs wouldn't come apart; it was like she was shy or something! It was kinda funny since it's already dead! But how could I when my arms were stretched to the maximum from the smell and I looked at the thing with half an eye with my face turned the other way so I wouldn’t torture my other eye with what's going on. Oh and the smell was horrible! So after finding out that the poor sucker wasn’t completely defrost. I put in some boiled water and waited another fifteen minutes.

I just looked at the semi transparent container and it was Bloody bloddy!!!! I waited and waited. Honestly I lost my appetite from the scene and smell. When everything was done, and the chickens' legs widely spread out, I put my knife back into action again and started cutting. When I reached the pealing of the skin to the wings part, I didn’t know what to do,, so I just broke them. It was a massacre filled with disgust, repulsion and everything else.

I didn’t know how long to keep it in the boiling pot, but Sara said till its tender, so opened the boiler every five minutes to check, and pinched it with a fork. The smell was seriously obnoxious. I sometimes made believe that there were still two more minutes to my next five minutes, when actually it started one minute ago. -- what only me?!!

When it was done, I had no intentions of eating it, we knew one another far more then we had to. I left it in a plate and went out of the room waiting for it to cool down a bit. It was the size of a baby in my arms and I felt like a murderer for doing that. My god I don’t know how you women take it everyday to prepare lunch for us. thank you so very much.

After what had happened couldn’t thank god enough for creating me as a man. And now every time I want to eat chicken that image and smell just hits me back. Seriously I don’t know how will I go on with my life, I guess I'll change the fifth day to fourth day. So I'll just eat fruit for the rest of the diet!

Till this day, I nightmare about the chicken smell stuck in my hands!

Comming Soon!!!!

2005-08-03T18:30:00.000+04:00

The Chicken and I ........ Starring a Chicken and Me :D

Brand new Blogger Specially dedicated for Saudi Arabia....

and much more.......

All for Allah, and back to Allah...... Rest In Peace..... Our Father

2005-08-01T10:10:00.000+04:00

Saudi Arabian Historical Background

RIYADH (Reuters) - Saudi state television interrupted regular broadcasting with recitations of the Koran and one Western diplomat said he had information that King Fahd had died in hospital on Monday.

"Sources at King Faisal Specialist Hospital have informed us that he (King Fahd) is dead," the diplomat said. He did not give further details.

A Saudi official source told Reuters that a member of the royal family had died on Monday.
"Most probably it is the king, everybody is waiting for the official announcement. We are all in a state of alert," he said.

Fahd, who was believed to be 83 and had been in poor health, entered hospital on May 27 with acute pneumonia. Saudi Arabia is the world's biggest oil exporter and is a close ally of the United States.

Fahd's half-brother Crown Prince Abdullah, who has been running the kingdom's day-to-day affairs since Fahd suffered a stroke in 1995, will automatically become king. Defense Minister Prince Sultan will be the new crown prince.

In the past two years, the kingdom has faced a violent al Qaeda campaign to end seven decades of the royal family's rule in Saudi Arabia, home to two of Islam's holiest shrines.

Desert cruising..... Patriotic?

2005-07-31T16:10:00.000+04:00

It's been over 100 years by now; couldn't we find anything better then chasing women in malls? Every society found its self a sport, or a hobby lets call it. Even India imported cricket from England.

Okay so let's see who is still behind us...
Rugby in England goes back long into the 19th century and even earlier, America improved it to Football, China created soccer over 3000 years ago, tennis started in the 11th century played in Italy and France, Japan started martial arts Ninja, Aikido, and Ninjutsu, kung fo and those stuff, golf is traced from its origins in Scotland, almost all costal cities or countries have water sports like surfing waves, or sailing or what ever it is. How come Saudi has none of those, even the football they play is crappy. No offence but I'm no football fan. We have beautiful coasts if we just look and see, here in the eastern province the remote resort "Holliday inn" looks just like a dump from the inside. Why cant they clean it up, forget about the image it represents, just improve it so this Saudi money stays within. they say inner turism, I say where.

Why isn't there anything to encourage our youth and do something with their lives instead of wasting their money and their parents on drugs or some useless fancy ass toys they just show off with?! I just never could understand the lack of creativity.

Do something and organize some travel teams in the deserts of our enormously wide and incredibly beautiful Sahara deserts, they are just waiting to be explored. Back home in Riyadh its just begging us to do some activities instead of just fooling around up and down the sands. Do some swimming competitions on costal areas, offer some snorkeling lessons. Organize sports events, and not just advertise go down south of Saudi, when true the view is spectacular but it's more expensive than Europe! What concept are we living with? Of course the rich and famous will just runaway and escape to that house they built 15 years ago somewhere on a different continent, escape away from the burning heat. So who do you have left? The average classed people and the less fortunate. How do you expect them to enjoy their stay when all motels are for truck drives, and those decent ones expect to pay a sum of 3000 Saudi riyals in one weeks' stay? Just add a couple of more thousands and enjoy Europe!

What I'm trying to explain here is why are we always the last in joining the world? Okay the world Trading Origination (WTO) has some rules that conflict with our religion, I agree with the delay until thorough thinking is done. But everything else, why?! The mobile phones, the internet...etc. its going to happen sooner or later so why delay it. It will only reflect a bad image about Islam when we don't accept "affordable" new technology like everyone else in our globe does. Even more this will create a huge gap in our youth's minds; we will always be 10 years behind everyone. Petroleum is not going to last us forever. Save our youth, save our children from being called the unintelligent, they are the future. All this leads to frustration and need to express them selves when no one listens it just leads them to drugs and the so called terrorism.

I'm a religious person and believe in fellowship, but when organizing an event please and please again, not all "popes" of Islam are the best in everything, most don’t appreciate technology and just bore till death with their "IN THE BOX" creativeness, choose someone that can reach to a wider audience, people can communicate with, someone that can inspire, someone with enough religion to lead in prayer.

Don’t spoil what's left of the Islamic image.

For those who think I'm a rebel or a revolutionist. I am neither one. I was talking about spending spare time. Adding to your knowledge, a law that enforces at least a 50% Saudi employees has been enforced on all private sectors, which gives the opportunity for most of the Saudis to explore themselves on the field. And I am totally with "Saudization". It gives hope and saves allot from destroying themselves and their families.

And you thought your day started with anxiety?

2005-07-27T07:38:00.000+04:00

Your Wednesday Horoscope Gemini!
There will be some emotional consolation today. A person who once dominated your thoughts and especially your emotions will reappear but with no measurable effect on you. This is a triumph of your heart. The next few days emphasize similar independence
-----------------------------------------------------

I normally don't believe in horoscopes. its just rubbish. But from time to time, it's nice to read and then smile when something you've just read this morning happens. even though you dont really remember what it said all thru the day, so if nothing happens its really not all that dissapointing.

But this one particularly caught my eye. I once was clamed a prince on everything I touch, as far as my piercing sight would fly thru the air was mine, By the person whom I loved. it also happens that she's a Gemini as well. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what my horoscope is trying to say is that she'll call me tonight and I'll have no feelings for her? Okay, we haven’t spoken in over two years, but that does NOT at all mean that the image of her that leys in my heart has died! I still do feel for her.

I also took the second possibility into consideration, the one which I can't control sorry to say, could it be that I'm the one appearing to her? By phone or reminisce either way I'm appearing. Oh god, that’s an ugly thought!

It's a scary thought that I don't want it to ruin my day! I'll just forget about the whole thing that ever got into my inbox... hopefully!

You know something, after writing this, it's like the 1st possibility was correct!! How could I be so adolescent about this and treat it as a normal thing that only passes thru our day like any other thing??

–- I'll go propose to her before anything bad happens... wish me luck! ;)

Enjoy our fabulous summer in our beloved KSA!!

2005-07-23T00:19:00.000+04:00

I got to get me one of those big ass water trucks in front of my room every morning! Shout out to the driver with the hose inserted into my mouth! Filler Up! <- it's the sunstroke talking again!

Damn its hot today, I can actually feel my body melting with every breath I take! And that really makes me wonder! How did our ancestors live in the older days,, was it that hot also?! So I got a phone call from my mother that i haven't seen in quite a while, "son, how are you? is everything fine with you? your food, drink, studies" the usual questions any mother would ask her left behind son...so I thought to myself to ask with agony in my shattered voice! "Mum, how did they live in this hot weather back then!"

the answer I got was the one I least expected from a loving mother to her child! "They slept all afternoon in wet clothes inside wet tents in the Sahara desert." and a giggle went off. it was an idea I was willing to put into action! I went like a fool to a nearby baker shop looking for supplies of water, when the little Indian/Bangladesh man said to me in a shouting manner! "We're closed, get out , get out"

Get out!!! Find something to throw back at the shop and break something for their indefinite hospitality! I said to my self. But then as I looked back to the door closing behind me, and the sun still shining its rays at me, just to find the shop wasn't a bakery after all, it was a bar that opened in the afternoon. "A bar?!!" I said to my self, "here in Saudi! No way!!" that's when I realized that it's all gone, it all has melt away! Yes my brain has melt away and left me brainless.

This, my dear reader is how we spend our fabulous summer in our beloved KSA!!